Differences Between

I stood before you today in a dress, whereas 16 months ago I would have stood before you in scrub pants and a t-shirt. It's amazing what the difference a little clothing and position change will do. I was excited, proud of what I had to present to you all today. I knew that it would not go perfectly, that there were flaws in the work, but I had hope that you might see the benefit. I had hope that you might approach the situation with open minds and understanding, maybe even a touch of appreciation if I'm honest. I knew that I was asking more of you and your precious valuable time. I was hoping that you would see this as another tool, another piece of the puzzle that you can use to your end goal: making a difference in the lives of the children and families you treat. I am still naively hopeful that maybe a very few small number of you see some value in what I presented, that you are able to look beyond the added work and use this to unlock more information about your patients and families.

I had had hope that you would appreciate my honesty with the flaws and my explanations for what I am doing to fix what I can. I had had hope that when I presented things as transparently as possible it would be smoother. I thought that I had discussed the "why" and not that I came out cracking a whip, adding more to your already full plates. I had had hope that you would see me as a person, not the scapegoat, not the puppet, but me, your coworker, and to many of you, someone who used to be your friend.

I walked away today saddened and disheartened, and with the knowledge that there are 3 more of these to undergo. Maybe this is the moment you are reading and say not to take it personally, that it's just XYZ reasons, but I am a person and to me it's not just business. It's tough not to take it personally when you watch your project fizzle out and die. To hear the comments made where you think I can't hear that you aren't going to do it unless it's mandatory; that it's not valuable and is a waste of your time. I know you can't see the hours of work that I have put into this, the agonizing decisions I have made trying to balance your time, the value of the item and things that were beyond my control. You haven't sat with me as I pieced together the snippets of feedback and information from those of you who contributed and tried to make the best decisions possible for you as therapists, the families, children and what we need to be doing. You haven't sat through the meetings where I fought and said there has to be another way. I've had your back this entire time.

As I looked across the room and saw familiar faces it felt as though you were reminding me that I am no longer one of you, and that I am one of "them." I know I'm not one of you. I am not doing the hard work that you all are doing day in and day out making differences in the lives of children and families. You are never "just a therapist." You are the reason there are children walking, talking, eating, writing and accessing their worlds. You all have my utmost respect. You are doing what I could no longer do, what was killing me from the inside out. I miss my patients and families; I miss the work, the joy, the magic that is made in therapy. And I know that I made the choice I did to accept this new role 16 months ago, but it was the best decision for myself and my family.

What I didn't expect was the outcast that I would become. That I would become the scapegoat, viewed as a mouthpiece; no longer accepted by my peers, cast aside into another category of "them." I didn't expect to lose my friends. I didn't except to find myself floating between the worlds and groups. I'm not one of you magic makers, but I'm not fully accepted as one of "them," nor am I fully accepted by the other team with whom I work. It's just me.

I walked away today reminded of my separateness from people I was proud to call my friends and coworkers. Sadly, many of you are now just coworkers. A few have stayed and supported the transition and me as a person, but in my reality the rest are gone. I still continue to be proud of my coworkers. You all do amazing work, I see it everyday I walk through the gym. It's why I continue to walk through the gym- to be reminded of why I am working on these projects. Maybe you're reading this blaming me for pulling away, for not sitting with you all at lunch or joining in at functions. I had to remove myself from our lunches, they were no longer a place of relaxation when I was there. I felt attacked, and I was told that some were frustrated with my presence as it meant they couldn't speak freely about their concerns about all of the changes. So yes, I removed myself as it appeared to be the logical choice to benefit everyone. Just remember while you are enjoying lunch with your peers I'm eating alone somewhere, cutting my lunch break short because I feel like I'm constantly behind on some project that I need to address to try to make things better in your world.

I walked away today, shoving my emotions into a box because I had another meeting right after to advocate for a group of you. As the afternoon wore on the box would not hold and I sat at my desk silently working while tears dripped on my keyboard; sad about the reality of the presentation and my separateness, trying not to envision how the remaining presentations will go. I left this job and drove to my second job, crying more freely in the car, but still needing to keep things in a box until the time was appropriate. Because I'm no different than you- I'm a working parent that wants to do the best for their children and families.

Now I sit before you with more tears as I write and edit and wonder if it comes across as attacking or attention seeking. None of these are my intention. My intention is to share my story, my journey, my experiences. I lay no blame, I just ask for open minds and to remember that the person before you wearing a dress is no different than the person who could have stood before you in scrub pants and t-shirt.

Divorce Words

I've been working towards this post for months. Some of you reading this may have even been polled about it, but after innocent words said to me on Friday they were the catalyst I needed to write this post. Words matters my friends. I thought I had heard it all when I had my 4 kids so close in age (that's a post for another day), but divorce brings out an entirely new set of craziness. Seriously, it goes back to the basics:

1. If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all.
2. Treat others how you want to be treated.

That being said here are the top 10 things said to me and my fellow divorcées that are hurtful, aggravating, rude or just nonsense.

1. This is your "new normal" so you just need to get used to it. Thanks! Like I wasn't aware this was my life. Truthfully, there are multiple stages of the "new normal" and some of them so incredibly painful that you don't want to imagine spending the rest of your days in that amount of pain. We don't need your outside opinion on our life.
2. You'll be better off without them. This one hurts and is just plain rude. It implies that you saw how unhappy I was and never said a thing; it implies that the other person is a "bad" person which may not be the case. It does nothing to acknowledge my pain and only makes me feel worse about things.
3. I never liked them anyway. Gee thanks! Because my divorce is about YOUR feelings and relationship with my ex.
4. You're such a catch! Someone will snatch you right up! You should have no trouble dating. There's so much buried in this that it makes me want to cry and scream. It brings up guilt and shame. If you're so much of a "catch" then why couldn't you make this marriage work. On top of that who says the person is ready to start dating. These things were said to me early on in the process when I was just trying to figure out how to manage my family and work, much less date.
5. Dating in middle age sucks! This one is in great contrast to the above, but still same things apply. And oh yeah, thanks for that positive encouragement, especially for someone who never really dated. Because let's be real: dating in high school is NOT like dating as a 30 something year old adult. Oh! And when is 30s middle age?
6. At least you got great kids out of your marriage. Yes, this is true, but it isn't the silver lining that you think it is. There's guilt and shame and worry about if you're making the proper choice, and the knowledge that their lives are changing in a dramatic way as well. 
7. Isn't it better to be together for your kids? This one is a hard no. There is actual psychological research disproving this myth. So, no it's not better for my kids to live in a house where their parents are together but unhappy. And yes, this is my response to anyone that says that to me.
8. Must be nice to have kid-free time. I can't get over this one. Yeah, sure I get kid-free time, but you too as a married person can get that as well: it's called a sitter. See my kid-free time is not free of consequences. It means I miss things, that I don't see them everyday or talk to them everyday, that I share holidays and birthdays. It means on the first day of school I don't get dinner with my kids to hear about that amazing first day because Tuesday nights are dinner with their dad; it means on Christmas Day I pack my kids up in the afternoon and send them to their dad so that he gets his deserved time with them. So you're welcome to be jealous of my kid-free time, but think about it before you say something that seems so innocent. 
9. Did you try counseling? Did you read this book? It worked for my friends. Maybe you needed to try harder- marriage is hard. I think that divorced individuals understand how difficult a marriage is. Most of us tried with everything we had. We read books, we went to counseling, we tried. We gave it our all. It wasn't like any single one of us woke up one day and just decided to get divorced like we decide what to have for dinner. We all understand that you're trying to be helpful, but it hurts and does nothing to validate the struggle that we endured and are enduring.
10. Are you sure? Divorces are for forever. As I said before most of us struggled to get to this point and it's difficult enough without you second guessing us. We carry enough guilt, you don't need to add to it.

There's enough emotional pain, shame, guilt and a host of other things that individuals going through a divorce have to deal with, so do all of us a favor and think before you speak. I'd rather hear: I'm sorry then any of these things. What I want is to know you're going to be there in the tough times and hold space for me; to tell me that yes it does suck right now and acknowledge my feelings. Sure, you can tell me it gets better in time, but you better acknowledge my current state and be willing to walk this path with me or your words are meaningless and hurtful. Everyone knows that things change with time, but you have to let us grieve and walk with us in our grief.