Careless Words

On my ride to my training this morning I was riding quietly with my eyes closed just listening to the general chatter around me. Then suddenly my ears perked up as I heard the two women behind me say something about single parenting. One made a comment about never wanting to be a single parent, and the other followed it up with a "why would anyone chose to be single parent?" And from there the conversation became a short commentary on being a single parent, and it was clear from the tone and comments that they were not single parents. I grabbed my headphones and cranked up some music quickly as I felt my anxiety rising and tears trying to form.

The headphones and music were there to both block the commentary from them and to prevent me from commenting. It really took a lot of energy not to turn around snap with some snarky comments, but really my snark would not have accomplished anything but making me look like a bitter single mom. ALL of us single parents deserve a better reputation than what I wanted to dish out to these two women. I get where these women were coming from in a sense, though I would like to think I wouldn't have sounded as judgmental as these women. When you're struggling to parent in a duo it's difficult to fathom being a single parent, especially one by choice. I even used to make comments when their dad went out of town that I was doing "the single parent thing." Yeah, I didn't get it at all, the true difference in single parenting vs parenting solo while my partner was away.

Now, I live the difference on a daily basis. And those careless, judgmental words from these two random strangers stung a lot. I got married and started my amazing family never at all dreaming or thinking I would be where I am today. Being a single parent with primary custody wasn't on my radar until it became my life. I do the best I can, and I make a LOT of mistakes, just like most parents. Maybe I feel these mistakes more, maybe all single parents feel them more, especially those of us who are divorced who raised our families initially with what society considers an "intact" family. It hurts to hear those words, like somehow in making a choice to be a single parent I am doing my children a disservice. The truth is, and psychological research demonstrates it, that children of divorced parents do better than those with "intact" families where the parents do not get along. I've seen the results in my own children, with improved behavior and significantly less illness. Stress does crazy things to our bodies as adults, and wrecks havoc in children.

My single parent life is something that I chose and I don't regret it. It may cause me pain, be one of the most challenging undertakings of my life, but ALL of parenting is challenging. I wish that these women could have been more open and accepting of a parenting situation different from their own. I wish that I had had the grace to speak to them openly and calmly. At this moment hours later, there is nothing I can do to address them; all I can do is share the impact of their careless words.