Here's a tough one to write about: trauma, and the gifts that it keeps delivering. It's no secret that I'm in therapy, I've been in therapy almost continuously for the past 3 years. It was the best decision I ever made for myself, to look at myself and learn how to heal myself. I've changed my mindset, learned to manage my anxiety (that I didn't know I had until therapy) and most days feel like the person I used to be, just better.
I now carry a light and happiness within me that I don't remember having for a very long time. And to be clear, that is no one's fault but my own, I let my circumstances and my own self get in my path. I work diligently in therapy and out of therapy, because you can't accomplish life changes in 1 hour a week. You have to put in the work. Even during rough days and moments I can pull up that happy center and know that I will be ok.
But then there's this thing called trauma... you deal with it in therapy (and at home) and you think you've healed yourself. Then surprise! it comes knocking randomly and you find yourself dealing with this unexpected gift. I like to say trauma can be the gift that keeps on giving, but I'd like to return to sender. I'm not discussing here this particular trauma, but it's enough to know that I spent a number of sessions working through it and thought it was done. So, when this issue came up twice in the past 10 days I knew I had to confront it in therapy, again. To be honest it frustrates me, I had an agenda of other things I wanted to work on, but trauma does it's own thing, just like your average 3 year old.
Now here I am in therapy dealing with what I had thought was a healed trauma. But, as Donkey and Shrek say we're like onions, so trauma must follow the same pattern of layers. I healed one layer and have more to go. I know in my heart that it will be ok and I will heal this with work. I only share all this because it honestly came as a surprise to me. In hindsight, it really shouldn't have been a surprise, but I've been happy and centered and glowing thanks to my own growth and some amazing relationships. I didn't imagine that this particular trauma would reappear in the midst of this joy. Instead of allowing it to overwhelm me, I will use this as a growth experience and will not let it dim my light and joy and happiness.
Monday, March 25, 2019
Sunday, March 24, 2019
Doers and Dreamers
The other day I spotted a shirt that said to surround yourself with the doers and dreamers. There was a lot more on that shirt that I didn't have time to read, but that sentence alone was enough to strike me. I have always put a lot in store by people's words and actions, even more so in their actions over the past 3 years. If you're not actually going to show up when I need you, or when you said, I don't need you in my world.
Maybe that sounds harsh, but my time, energy and love is too precious to spread it to those who aren't going to appreciate it, and in turn appreciate me. I am lucky enough at this moment to be surrounded with people who are doers. I have a small group of friends that I know will show up for me when I need it. Whether that be emotionally when I'm having a rough time, helping me with a project, running an errand for me or just coming to spend time with me. They are a busy bunch, but they will make the time for me, and that makes my heart happy. I could elaborate more, but it's enough to say that I love my group of doers. These special people not only show up for me, but they are doers for others (human and animal). What amazing hearts they all have; in their doing they spread joy, happiness, and love.
I think the amazing thing about my group is that they are not only doers, but they are dreamers too. We are an odd little bunch, and most of them don't know each other, but the great thing is that I can tell you the big crazy dreams of each of them. I find myself gravitating more and more to these people. They are my tribe, and they remind me of the crazy goals and dreams I used to relentlessly pursue. Slowly I find myself dreaming again, the magic has begun that will lead to adventures in 2019 and beyond. This is the legacy that I wish to leave.
It's the doers and dreamers that make our world beautiful. I can only hope to have a small impact as one. I want to share the light, joy, love, and happiness that they bring to me with all of you. The interesting thing is that I know my doers and dreamers bring this beauty to our world, but I still find myself at times hesitant to seek them out. It's not a from a fear of being found wanting, but of being open and vulnerable enough to tell them what I need. There's a special strength in being vulnerable, but it doesn't always jive with being a doer. And given that I've been more of a doer than a dreamer these past few years, it's something that I have to embrace to get my dreams. I work on it daily.
So I ask you this:
Maybe that sounds harsh, but my time, energy and love is too precious to spread it to those who aren't going to appreciate it, and in turn appreciate me. I am lucky enough at this moment to be surrounded with people who are doers. I have a small group of friends that I know will show up for me when I need it. Whether that be emotionally when I'm having a rough time, helping me with a project, running an errand for me or just coming to spend time with me. They are a busy bunch, but they will make the time for me, and that makes my heart happy. I could elaborate more, but it's enough to say that I love my group of doers. These special people not only show up for me, but they are doers for others (human and animal). What amazing hearts they all have; in their doing they spread joy, happiness, and love.
I think the amazing thing about my group is that they are not only doers, but they are dreamers too. We are an odd little bunch, and most of them don't know each other, but the great thing is that I can tell you the big crazy dreams of each of them. I find myself gravitating more and more to these people. They are my tribe, and they remind me of the crazy goals and dreams I used to relentlessly pursue. Slowly I find myself dreaming again, the magic has begun that will lead to adventures in 2019 and beyond. This is the legacy that I wish to leave.
It's the doers and dreamers that make our world beautiful. I can only hope to have a small impact as one. I want to share the light, joy, love, and happiness that they bring to me with all of you. The interesting thing is that I know my doers and dreamers bring this beauty to our world, but I still find myself at times hesitant to seek them out. It's not a from a fear of being found wanting, but of being open and vulnerable enough to tell them what I need. There's a special strength in being vulnerable, but it doesn't always jive with being a doer. And given that I've been more of a doer than a dreamer these past few years, it's something that I have to embrace to get my dreams. I work on it daily.
So I ask you this:
- Is your world filled with doers and dreamers?
- Do you find yourself lighter and happier after your time with them?
- Do they inspire you?
Friday, March 22, 2019
Careless Words
On my ride to my training this morning I was riding quietly with my eyes closed just listening to the general chatter around me. Then suddenly my ears perked up as I heard the two women behind me say something about single parenting. One made a comment about never wanting to be a single parent, and the other followed it up with a "why would anyone chose to be single parent?" And from there the conversation became a short commentary on being a single parent, and it was clear from the tone and comments that they were not single parents. I grabbed my headphones and cranked up some music quickly as I felt my anxiety rising and tears trying to form.
The headphones and music were there to both block the commentary from them and to prevent me from commenting. It really took a lot of energy not to turn around snap with some snarky comments, but really my snark would not have accomplished anything but making me look like a bitter single mom. ALL of us single parents deserve a better reputation than what I wanted to dish out to these two women. I get where these women were coming from in a sense, though I would like to think I wouldn't have sounded as judgmental as these women. When you're struggling to parent in a duo it's difficult to fathom being a single parent, especially one by choice. I even used to make comments when their dad went out of town that I was doing "the single parent thing." Yeah, I didn't get it at all, the true difference in single parenting vs parenting solo while my partner was away.
Now, I live the difference on a daily basis. And those careless, judgmental words from these two random strangers stung a lot. I got married and started my amazing family never at all dreaming or thinking I would be where I am today. Being a single parent with primary custody wasn't on my radar until it became my life. I do the best I can, and I make a LOT of mistakes, just like most parents. Maybe I feel these mistakes more, maybe all single parents feel them more, especially those of us who are divorced who raised our families initially with what society considers an "intact" family. It hurts to hear those words, like somehow in making a choice to be a single parent I am doing my children a disservice. The truth is, and psychological research demonstrates it, that children of divorced parents do better than those with "intact" families where the parents do not get along. I've seen the results in my own children, with improved behavior and significantly less illness. Stress does crazy things to our bodies as adults, and wrecks havoc in children.
My single parent life is something that I chose and I don't regret it. It may cause me pain, be one of the most challenging undertakings of my life, but ALL of parenting is challenging. I wish that these women could have been more open and accepting of a parenting situation different from their own. I wish that I had had the grace to speak to them openly and calmly. At this moment hours later, there is nothing I can do to address them; all I can do is share the impact of their careless words.
The headphones and music were there to both block the commentary from them and to prevent me from commenting. It really took a lot of energy not to turn around snap with some snarky comments, but really my snark would not have accomplished anything but making me look like a bitter single mom. ALL of us single parents deserve a better reputation than what I wanted to dish out to these two women. I get where these women were coming from in a sense, though I would like to think I wouldn't have sounded as judgmental as these women. When you're struggling to parent in a duo it's difficult to fathom being a single parent, especially one by choice. I even used to make comments when their dad went out of town that I was doing "the single parent thing." Yeah, I didn't get it at all, the true difference in single parenting vs parenting solo while my partner was away.
Now, I live the difference on a daily basis. And those careless, judgmental words from these two random strangers stung a lot. I got married and started my amazing family never at all dreaming or thinking I would be where I am today. Being a single parent with primary custody wasn't on my radar until it became my life. I do the best I can, and I make a LOT of mistakes, just like most parents. Maybe I feel these mistakes more, maybe all single parents feel them more, especially those of us who are divorced who raised our families initially with what society considers an "intact" family. It hurts to hear those words, like somehow in making a choice to be a single parent I am doing my children a disservice. The truth is, and psychological research demonstrates it, that children of divorced parents do better than those with "intact" families where the parents do not get along. I've seen the results in my own children, with improved behavior and significantly less illness. Stress does crazy things to our bodies as adults, and wrecks havoc in children.
My single parent life is something that I chose and I don't regret it. It may cause me pain, be one of the most challenging undertakings of my life, but ALL of parenting is challenging. I wish that these women could have been more open and accepting of a parenting situation different from their own. I wish that I had had the grace to speak to them openly and calmly. At this moment hours later, there is nothing I can do to address them; all I can do is share the impact of their careless words.
Thursday, March 21, 2019
Thankfulness
It's crazy what this world has come to when it pertains to acknowledgements. I took the time to pay special attention and acknowledge a group of my coworkers who volunteered their time and effort to test and look at things for a major project at work. They were all gifted with a handwritten note and a gift card. This was done of my own accord to show my appreciation for all that they did. Do you know the number of them that sent me thank you emails, showed up in my office, sent me texts, etc, to thank ME for the token of my appreciation? Probably at least half of them did this. I was floored.
Where have we come to when this comes as such a surprise? I think that even when you volunteer to assist with a project you should be thanked. And these people took a lot of time and effort to make this all possible. I did what I did so that they would know how much I appreciated them. To me it is one of the worst feelings in the world to be under-appreciated, and I don't ever want anyone to feel that way.
I won't say that I haven't ever made anyone feel woefully under-appreciated, but I am making a conscious effort to acknowledge people and their efforts. I will say that it gets me some strange looks and comments, and at times it makes people uncomfortable, but it's just the nature of who I am at this point. I will email you or text you to say thanks for that little moment or that time you gave me, because it really is that important to me. I like to think that those little moments may make a difference in a person's day. I know they certainly do in mine.
Where have we come to when this comes as such a surprise? I think that even when you volunteer to assist with a project you should be thanked. And these people took a lot of time and effort to make this all possible. I did what I did so that they would know how much I appreciated them. To me it is one of the worst feelings in the world to be under-appreciated, and I don't ever want anyone to feel that way.
I won't say that I haven't ever made anyone feel woefully under-appreciated, but I am making a conscious effort to acknowledge people and their efforts. I will say that it gets me some strange looks and comments, and at times it makes people uncomfortable, but it's just the nature of who I am at this point. I will email you or text you to say thanks for that little moment or that time you gave me, because it really is that important to me. I like to think that those little moments may make a difference in a person's day. I know they certainly do in mine.
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