30 Days of Thanks: Day 6

This morning and most of the day I had a number of ideas about what I wanted to write about tonight, but now as I sit down to write I've forgotten all of them. That's what happens when you have an anxiety spike. Your brain shuts down and you have to fight for every second. It's exhausting in ways you can't imagine unless you suffer from it yourself. There are moments that I will take the post-marathon/long run exhaustion and soreness over the relentless nature of anxiety. Today's spike came generally without warning, though tomorrow, assuming it has passed, I may be able to see the signs. Regardless, I sit here trying to find something to be thankful and grateful for. Sure, there are canned things like my health, my kids, their health, etc. but they wouldn't be genuine. My goal throughout this blog is to be genuine. What you read is me to my core, it might be filtered for the sake of protecting individuals, but the emotions behind it all are real.

I could cheat and look on facebook to see what I was thankful for last year on this day, but again, I'd know I'm not being honest. Honesty is a quality that I value highly. I'd rather you be honest with me about things than lie or avoid or ignore. Honesty takes a certain amount and type of courage that you don't often see these days. To the men and women that I know that are truly honest with me I thank you. And there it is: I'm thankful for the gift of honesty.

It may not always be well received, but it's always appreciated.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 5

The cool thing about being a mom is the mom community. I have all different kinds of mom friends in my life. I have the working moms (full time and part time). The stay at home moms (you ladies are amazing!). The single working moms (that's me!) and the moms that don't quite fall into any of those categories.

I used to be that last mom. When I became a mom I was a grad student; I didn't have a job, but I did attend school full time. I certainly didn't fit in with the new stay at home moms, and working moms didn't relate to my school struggles. It was a pretty lonely period from the mom-friend standpoint. On top of that I was the only grad student my age at that time that was a new parent. The other grad students were newlyweds, single/dating or at least 10 years my senior. It really set me apart from that group of peers as well. Then it didn't help that I kept popping out babies in grad school, so much so that I was once introduced at a major meeting for our department as the perpetually pregnant one.....

Anyhow, I've lost my track a bit here. See the thing about being a mom is that we're all moms just trying to not screw up our kids. We all want the best for them; we just do it differently. The one thing I've learned over my last 12.5 years of doing this is that none of our kids come with instructions and they're never a one size fits all approach. When you find the right Mom community things just click. Whether you're the Pinterest mom, soccer mom, dance mom, no activity mom, free-range mom, etc. we're all still just Moms at our core. I belong to a very select group of Mom groups on facebook, as so many I had joined weren't for me. This is even more so post-divorce. I don't want to listen to how your significant other did not clean up the vomit at 3am to your Martha Stewart standards, when you need to be grateful you had the assistance. And the reverse is true that those groups don't want to listen to me whine about doing it all myself with minimal help. Thus I consider myself blessed to have my 2 special communities, as well as my in-person friends.

I'm thankful for my mom friends that come in all different shapes, sizes and styles.

30 Days of Thanks: Day 4

Mondays are my day off. It's my chance to catch up on stuff while the kids are at school. Today I got to have brunch with a friend, which was a nice perk. It made me realize how lucky I am to:

1. have a weekday off every week
2. have friends willing to join me on my day off for a meal

I typically use my day offs for errands, doctor's appointments, grocery shopping, etc. Today was a special day since I dedicated some time to truly just relax and be me. It's something that I am working on more and more, finding that balance between the "must do" and "want to do". I'm certainly a happier person when I take those much needed breaks and slow down. It's some of the crazy life lessons I've learned over the past few years.

Which brings me to my thankfulness acknowledgement of the day. Today, I'm thankful and grateful for the safe space that my therapist provides and the counsel. She is an amazing individual and we all should have someone in our lives like that. I know I've written about her before, but today I just wanted to take the time to recognize the work she does. This woman has guided me from a high anxiety state where I was functioning, but not thriving barely surviving, into a life where I am living and loving and enjoying life. She's graced me with the tools I need, held space when I needed to meltdown. Coached me through the meltdowns and allowed me the space to recreate me. Even when sharing my most vulnerable moments and intimate secrets I knew I was safe.

I learned that my emotions matter, that I was important. That my trauma was real and was my reality. I learned how to heal from my trauma, over and over and over again. I learned coping skills for when my anxiety skyrockets and I want to stay in bed forever, go on a crazy long run, or escape to the forest. I learned to recognize the warning signs of my anxiety and tactics to prevent the spirals.

She did not heal me; I healed me. She provided the safe space, tools and guidance so I could make the decisions I needed to make, recognize my own self worth and heal and grow. To my amazing unnamed therapist: THANK YOU.