A little over 5 and a half years ago I interviewed at the amazing children's hospital where I now work. I was asked about my 5 year plan and I remember saying that in 5 years I would love to be doing a mix of clinical patient care and research, ideally 50/50 split. Pipe dream I knew, but it was worth throwing out there. Here I am 5 years down the road, and I've temporarily phased out of patient care to become an application analyst for our department.
It's a crazy thing. I've had a few people tell me I'm wasting my PhD. I mean why spend 5 years pursuing a crazy thing like that to not teach or do research. But let me tell you after 5 years I was burned out and out of my touch with my clinical side. Going back to clinical work was one of the best choices I ever made. And I used that PhD, let me tell you. I educated staff, I developed research proposals and though they never made it past IRB due to personal life impediments it was fulfilling. I presented at hospital, local and national conferences. I co-authored a book chapter. I am using so many skills from that PhD, despite what some may think.
But I was getting burned out. I'm sure it was combination of my personal life going through major upheavals, a running injury that sidelined me for months and impacted my ability to work and provide for my kids, but I was beyond exhausted this past winter. So, when the opportunity for a new position was posted I was intrigued. This would be out of my comfort zone, but it would allow me some flexibility that I desperately needed as a now single mom. My now manager encouraged me to apply. She has been an amazing advocate and mentor. So April 2 I began my transition from staff physical therapist to application analyst for our department.
So what exactly does this position do? Well. I'm supporting our staff (PT, OT, SLP and Audiology) in our new and improved electronic medical record documentation style and functioning as a liaison between us and the information services group. This is why I have been making trips to Madison, WI for training. I've attended 2 intense classes, completed 2 comprehensive projects and now successfully passed 2 exams to become a certified clinical builder. And, I've used my PhD skills every step of the way. I know how to study and what works for me. I know how to manage my time and my team members. Many of the other people I know that become analysts do not have outside responsibilities, but I've not been so lucky. I've had to complete all of my requirements, juggle bits of patient care, and manage a huge project with multiple moving parts. And along the way I've had to assert myself as I have unique role at my hospital and there are some who don't quite know what to do with me.
Yeah, those lessons and skills learned from my PhD have come in pretty hand these past few months. So put your hands together and help me celebrate my new official certification as a Epic Clinical Builder.
Tuesday, August 21, 2018
Sunday, August 19, 2018
Humbling Honesty
I think that everyone needs to have at least 1 friend who is willing to be brutally honest with you. I am lucky enough to have 2 of those. While it can be an intense friendship, you know that they aren't going to tolerate your BS and they'll call you on things. I find it a rare occurrence these days to find someone willing to be that honest with you. It takes a lot of courage on their part, even if it's part of their nature.
I bring this up because today 1 of my friends took a hard stance with me about a choice I made. I don't want to go into specifics but my friend pointed out 2 very important things to me. One, that the action I took was not fair to them, and two, that I was using my anxiety as an excuse. I will tell you that my immediate gut reaction was to be defensive. Here I was feeling crappy and this friend of mine was not being the supportive person I knew. But I took a deep breath and read the lines again, and again until I could get through my knee jerk defensiveness and listen.
My friend was 100% correct.
My action and choice was not fair to them AND I did use my anxiety as an excuse, even if it wasn't intentional. I was humbled. I was sad knowing that I had upset them. I took advantage of a precious friendship and used an excuse, rather than be honest. I needed my friend this morning and I wasn't honest with them about that, but they responded with honesty. I am still humbled by them.
I could be angry, I could be upset, I could be a million different things, but I'm choosing to use this as a lesson in humility and how to approach this situation in the future. As was pointed out to me it's how we think, view and react in the situations that define us. I can chose to have anxiety define me, or I can chose to live my life and have something else define me. I'm choosing to not allow anxiety to define me. I am me. I am not anxiety. I am an extremely grateful, thankful and humbled friend tonight.
I bring this up because today 1 of my friends took a hard stance with me about a choice I made. I don't want to go into specifics but my friend pointed out 2 very important things to me. One, that the action I took was not fair to them, and two, that I was using my anxiety as an excuse. I will tell you that my immediate gut reaction was to be defensive. Here I was feeling crappy and this friend of mine was not being the supportive person I knew. But I took a deep breath and read the lines again, and again until I could get through my knee jerk defensiveness and listen.
My friend was 100% correct.
My action and choice was not fair to them AND I did use my anxiety as an excuse, even if it wasn't intentional. I was humbled. I was sad knowing that I had upset them. I took advantage of a precious friendship and used an excuse, rather than be honest. I needed my friend this morning and I wasn't honest with them about that, but they responded with honesty. I am still humbled by them.
I could be angry, I could be upset, I could be a million different things, but I'm choosing to use this as a lesson in humility and how to approach this situation in the future. As was pointed out to me it's how we think, view and react in the situations that define us. I can chose to have anxiety define me, or I can chose to live my life and have something else define me. I'm choosing to not allow anxiety to define me. I am me. I am not anxiety. I am an extremely grateful, thankful and humbled friend tonight.
Tuesday, August 14, 2018
Advice and affection
My friends can I give you some well meaning advice, since so many of you feel the need to give it to me......
Please stop telling me to go enjoy myself or do something fun on the nights and weekends I don't have my kids. I get it, and in fact I remember those days and looking at the single parents thinking it looks amazing that you get an entire weekend to do what YOU want. What you don't see is the crushing loneliness and emptiness and quietness of your home. You don't hear how much more silent your home is at night when they're not home sleeping in the rooms around you. You tell me to go have fun and enjoy myself, but then I come home to an empty lonely house. You, my friends with your partner would come home with someone and have someone to enjoy your time with- I do not. Ten months later and it still stings.
Personally, I am still learning to balance my nights and weekends that are kid free. It's a delicate process of making sure I have personal relaxation time, get my chores done and be able to sleep without anxiety and loneliness. So please, it's not a vacation for me, but a fact of my life and inherent reminder that I am no longer part of a 2 parent household that is filled with continuous crazy weekends. Some weekends and nights it is easier than others, and it is always easier when I know that there is someone that I can talk to (or message with) so I don't feel so lonely. The first few months were the worst on the weekends. I filled them with so many chores and work that by Sunday evening I was beat and all I wanted to do was crash. Over 10 months into this routine and I am slowly learning to manage things. A few weekends ago I had a great balance of a personal day and a chore day, and I was lucky enough to have a friend pretty much on speed text when I needed to connect with someone, but that balance doesn't happen often enough.
This brings me to my next piece of advice: affection. Hug your single parent friends (assuming they're the hugging type). Seriously. I love my children to pieces and I cherish my hugs and affection from them. But there is a significant lack of physical affection in our lives now as single parents, and for some of us this is our love language. For me personally it's my 2nd major love language (if you're confused go take this quiz). It's like living in a desert sometimes, no one hugs or touches in this society and you feel like at outcast at times. Not only are you not receiving any physical affection, but at times you are surrounded by it. It's everywhere, in the books you read, shows you watch, even a trip to the restaurant or the mall. When you don't have it, it can seem like it's everywhere. So, take a risk, you don't know what a little hug might do to brighten your friend's day. I'll always take a hug, but be forewarned you may make me teary.
Please stop telling me to go enjoy myself or do something fun on the nights and weekends I don't have my kids. I get it, and in fact I remember those days and looking at the single parents thinking it looks amazing that you get an entire weekend to do what YOU want. What you don't see is the crushing loneliness and emptiness and quietness of your home. You don't hear how much more silent your home is at night when they're not home sleeping in the rooms around you. You tell me to go have fun and enjoy myself, but then I come home to an empty lonely house. You, my friends with your partner would come home with someone and have someone to enjoy your time with- I do not. Ten months later and it still stings.
Personally, I am still learning to balance my nights and weekends that are kid free. It's a delicate process of making sure I have personal relaxation time, get my chores done and be able to sleep without anxiety and loneliness. So please, it's not a vacation for me, but a fact of my life and inherent reminder that I am no longer part of a 2 parent household that is filled with continuous crazy weekends. Some weekends and nights it is easier than others, and it is always easier when I know that there is someone that I can talk to (or message with) so I don't feel so lonely. The first few months were the worst on the weekends. I filled them with so many chores and work that by Sunday evening I was beat and all I wanted to do was crash. Over 10 months into this routine and I am slowly learning to manage things. A few weekends ago I had a great balance of a personal day and a chore day, and I was lucky enough to have a friend pretty much on speed text when I needed to connect with someone, but that balance doesn't happen often enough.
This brings me to my next piece of advice: affection. Hug your single parent friends (assuming they're the hugging type). Seriously. I love my children to pieces and I cherish my hugs and affection from them. But there is a significant lack of physical affection in our lives now as single parents, and for some of us this is our love language. For me personally it's my 2nd major love language (if you're confused go take this quiz). It's like living in a desert sometimes, no one hugs or touches in this society and you feel like at outcast at times. Not only are you not receiving any physical affection, but at times you are surrounded by it. It's everywhere, in the books you read, shows you watch, even a trip to the restaurant or the mall. When you don't have it, it can seem like it's everywhere. So, take a risk, you don't know what a little hug might do to brighten your friend's day. I'll always take a hug, but be forewarned you may make me teary.
Sunday, August 5, 2018
Firsts
Living life as a now single mom is full of firsts. And I'm not talking about romantic firsts, I'm talking about those daily things that your partner used to do that now are your responsibility. Some of these firsts I have tackled with this "I got this!" attitude- almost an I'll show you I don't need you around kind of thing. And others just sneak up on you. For instance, the other day I had to fill the gas can for the mower. It's a silly little thing but the ex was in charge of mowing and it must be the last time it needed gas my dad filled it. So, I lugged 4 kids in the van to drive 1/2 a mile and fill up a gas can so I could mow.
I find each one of these firsts to be a different experience. My first time mowing the lawn- that was both terrifying and exhilarating. The first fire I did in my fire pit- amazingly powerful! But under each of these firsts is a bit of sadness. These firsts are just the starting point of another thing that I need to manage on my own; one more item to add to my to do list and agenda; one more thing to take away time from my kids. And they can even be a slap in the face reminder that you are juggling more now than ever.
But I wouldn't change it. Yes. I'll come out and say that. There's no point in lying about it. Each first is a stepping stone in creating my new life for my kids and I. I'm trying my best to handle these firsts with grace and dignity, but it doesn't always happen. On occasion there is also that moment when a first is so significant and you find yourself all alone that you want to crawl under the covers and cry yourself to sleep.
These firsts are a moment when I need to take a step back and find some perspective, which is always easier said than done. But really perspective is what's needed. This a journey that is full of surprises, both pleasant and unpleasant. And when you get caught up in the moment of them you can lose that perspective. I'm working on doing a better job of catching myself mid-moment to breathe, focus and determine what it is I need in this particular situation. I'm trying to file away each of these firsts, and there are many I'm sure I'm missing, but it's ok. It's about the pathway to a different life and learning to navigate the world as a singleton.
I find each one of these firsts to be a different experience. My first time mowing the lawn- that was both terrifying and exhilarating. The first fire I did in my fire pit- amazingly powerful! But under each of these firsts is a bit of sadness. These firsts are just the starting point of another thing that I need to manage on my own; one more item to add to my to do list and agenda; one more thing to take away time from my kids. And they can even be a slap in the face reminder that you are juggling more now than ever.
But I wouldn't change it. Yes. I'll come out and say that. There's no point in lying about it. Each first is a stepping stone in creating my new life for my kids and I. I'm trying my best to handle these firsts with grace and dignity, but it doesn't always happen. On occasion there is also that moment when a first is so significant and you find yourself all alone that you want to crawl under the covers and cry yourself to sleep.
These firsts are a moment when I need to take a step back and find some perspective, which is always easier said than done. But really perspective is what's needed. This a journey that is full of surprises, both pleasant and unpleasant. And when you get caught up in the moment of them you can lose that perspective. I'm working on doing a better job of catching myself mid-moment to breathe, focus and determine what it is I need in this particular situation. I'm trying to file away each of these firsts, and there are many I'm sure I'm missing, but it's ok. It's about the pathway to a different life and learning to navigate the world as a singleton.
Friday, August 3, 2018
It must be Madison thing
There must be something about Madison. My first business trip to Madison made me an incredible friend and helped me immensely in my healing. That single trip helped me gain confidence and freedom from some of my anxiety. And now after a second trip I learned more about myself again and continue to heal and progress.
This trip I was not as lucky to make a fantastic friend, but really I didn't think that would happen again. In fact, I spent a lot of this past trip alone. For those of you know who know me well, know that this can be recipe for an anxiety disaster. Even on my trip in June when I was practically attached at the hip to my new friend I had an anxiety breakdown one night. But this trip I had almost no instances of anxiety. It was a peaceful trip. I won't say it wasn't weird to be back there at the same hotel, riding the shuttle alone and eating at mostly the same restaurants without my buddy. I had been worried going into the trip that having these powerful memories of joy and happiness from the previous trip would potentially send me on a crazy downward anxiety spiral. I will say I did spend the first day and half looking for my bud until I managed to get it into my head that they wouldn't be there. I also attempted to get into my old room a few times due to force of habit. (go ahead and laugh- I did)
I had to accept the fact that I was going to be alone for periods of time, especially when class began and it was clear most of my classmates were already paired. I missed my partner immensely, but I was able to dig into the material and focus. It was at lunch the first day that it struck me that I wasn't sad or stressed or anxious about being alone. I smiled and set out to be social. I sat a table with some other people there for training not in my class. We chatted and it was pleasant, but then they left and I had 20 minutes to spare. I found myself alone and at peace standing looking at the farmland surrounding me. It was an entirely new experience. I felt centered.
Throughout my trip I could be on the deck and look over the farmland and know I was alone, but I was at peace. I could have the same peace staring out my hotel room window or the bus. I didn't have any anxiety. I was calm and centered. I could go to dinner without a book and just smile at the people around me in groups. I could eat lunch alone in peace. And on my last full day there when I was ditched not once, but twice, at lunch I could smile and laugh about it. I marveled in the fact that the two different women who ditched me mid-lunch were missing out my awesome personality. I used to make jokes about this, but I never truly believed it; this time I really believed it in my being.
I can't say what it was that made the difference. It wasn't an event or a person that made the shift, but it was an internal discovery. Now that I'm home I'm working to recapture that sense of peace, but I know I am not the same woman that left for Madison less than a week ago. While I'm not as peaceful and centered as I was there, I am working towards it. And that my friends is huge progress. There must be something about Madison.....
This trip I was not as lucky to make a fantastic friend, but really I didn't think that would happen again. In fact, I spent a lot of this past trip alone. For those of you know who know me well, know that this can be recipe for an anxiety disaster. Even on my trip in June when I was practically attached at the hip to my new friend I had an anxiety breakdown one night. But this trip I had almost no instances of anxiety. It was a peaceful trip. I won't say it wasn't weird to be back there at the same hotel, riding the shuttle alone and eating at mostly the same restaurants without my buddy. I had been worried going into the trip that having these powerful memories of joy and happiness from the previous trip would potentially send me on a crazy downward anxiety spiral. I will say I did spend the first day and half looking for my bud until I managed to get it into my head that they wouldn't be there. I also attempted to get into my old room a few times due to force of habit. (go ahead and laugh- I did)
I had to accept the fact that I was going to be alone for periods of time, especially when class began and it was clear most of my classmates were already paired. I missed my partner immensely, but I was able to dig into the material and focus. It was at lunch the first day that it struck me that I wasn't sad or stressed or anxious about being alone. I smiled and set out to be social. I sat a table with some other people there for training not in my class. We chatted and it was pleasant, but then they left and I had 20 minutes to spare. I found myself alone and at peace standing looking at the farmland surrounding me. It was an entirely new experience. I felt centered.
Throughout my trip I could be on the deck and look over the farmland and know I was alone, but I was at peace. I could have the same peace staring out my hotel room window or the bus. I didn't have any anxiety. I was calm and centered. I could go to dinner without a book and just smile at the people around me in groups. I could eat lunch alone in peace. And on my last full day there when I was ditched not once, but twice, at lunch I could smile and laugh about it. I marveled in the fact that the two different women who ditched me mid-lunch were missing out my awesome personality. I used to make jokes about this, but I never truly believed it; this time I really believed it in my being.
I can't say what it was that made the difference. It wasn't an event or a person that made the shift, but it was an internal discovery. Now that I'm home I'm working to recapture that sense of peace, but I know I am not the same woman that left for Madison less than a week ago. While I'm not as peaceful and centered as I was there, I am working towards it. And that my friends is huge progress. There must be something about Madison.....
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