It's just a day. That's what I keep telling myself. I'll say it until I'm blue in the face, likely at some point with tears falling down my face. It's just a day.
But it's not just a "day" in my mind. It would have been my 15th wedding anniversary. And yes, even though I'm in the process of getting divorced, this day has meaning. It was the start of our life together, a day of hopes, dreams and love. I can't deny it and it doesn't make sense to deny the day. It was a magical day filled with friends, family and entertainment. From being so distracted outside the church talking that we delayed the start, to turning around because someone forgot to pack our overnight bags (not him or me, family forgot) to a really drunk best man butchering his speech and almost kissing the best man when the ex stepped away; it was a special day. But I'm not really at a space in my life where I can reflect on all those moments and more, without feeling like a failure and having regrets.
I don't know many divorced people that don't have regrets. I know many divorced women who also struggle with that feeling of failure. I can say the times it sneaks in I have the ability to remind myself of the journey that took me where I am today, and remind myself strongly that I did not fail. But today, it's nearly impossible. I'm cognizant enough to realize that it's really just my anxiety telling me lies and bringing those fears to life. That doesn't make it any easier. I just have to keep reminding myself that it is a grieving process. And this year, I am at a new stage as compared to last year. It's not better or worse, just different.
If we're completely honesty here I'd say I'd rather numb out the day with a long run, sleep and alcohol. But, it's Thursday and I have to work. In fact, I have an important session to co-lead today and it would be detrimental to my team if I opted to not show up because I didn't feel like it. So it's a put on your big girl panties kind of day and just deal with the real world. And hopefully in dealing with the real world I'll find some healing. And if you see me around today I won't say no to a hug or you all blowing up my phone with funny texts and gifs.
Thursday, July 26, 2018
Monday, July 23, 2018
Enough
I am enough.
Three very powerful little words. I'm sure you've read them somewhere, whether a post, a meme or in a book. It's something I think we ALL struggle with. Those crushing feelings of not being good enough, pretty enough, strong enough- just not being "enough" for everyone else, much less yourself. There's about a million self-help books and articles about how to make yourself "enough"; I should know, I feel like I've read them all. But, they basically all sum it up into one thing- to be "enough" has to come from within.
I get it. I really do. We are supposed to have sufficient self esteem and self confidence to overcome societal pressures to be happy, even exuberant (but not content) about ourselves. And per all of these resources it has to come internally. Again, I get it. But when you're struggling a little external validation that you matter, that you're important, that you're a human, much less an attractive female, can go a long way to boosting that internal mindset. Because when you have anxiety like I do and you ride the rollercoaster of it, you can have days where you are on top of the world and that self confidence radiates like a beacon, but then you can have days where you are stuck in a valley of self doubt, being fed the lies of anxiety. It makes it challenging to keep a mantra in my head that I am enough; that I am worthy. This is where I need to share a story, well really two, about 2 friends of mine. I have some great friends, I really do, but these two made impacts that I'm not sure they knew about until really recently.
A little over a year ago I was really struggling with so many different issues. It was just a short few weeks after the decision to divorce was made. I had the opportunity to be at an event and mingle with other adults. Not something that occurs often in my crazy world with my kiddos, especially when it was something that had nothing to do with my work. This now good friend of mine, spent probably 45 minutes just chatting with me. I don't have a clue what we talked about, but it was a turning point. I remember leaving the event feeling amazed that someone wanted to talk to me that long. I felt important, special in that moment and I was able to hold that feeling for a while. It was really what I needed at that moment. And now, that same friend takes time to check up on me, stop by to say hello and make me laugh. I actually brought it up to my friend a little while ago and they vaguely remembered the event. They had no idea how much of an impact it had on me. It was such a simple, human gesture, but I consider it a turning point in my life. Just a little external validation that I existed as a person and was worthy of speaking with was what I needed. (And yes I have thanked this friend for this.)
My other friend is a newer friend, in fact I'm referring to the one I posted about a month or so ago who sat down next to me on my business trip. Crazy right? We continue to remain really good friends, and I am forever grateful for our friendship. I actually make it a point to tell my friend this, because it is so important to me. Why? Because this friend of mine is also going through some struggles, and I want them to know that they are making a difference in my life. In fact, I continue to believe that we were put in each other's paths for healing by God. I'm not generally an overly religious person, but this friendship and connection cannot be denied. This friend has listened to me rant through the chaos of the past 3 weeks (that's another post) and managed to make me smile and even laugh on one of the darkest days. But what does that have to do with being enough you say? Everything. This friend reminds me that I am a strong, capable independent woman without actually telling me that. Said friend reminds me that there are no set rules in a divorce, that I am important and that I matter. And to be clear, none of it is said directly, it's in the attitude and little things.
It's those little external things, that for me, can feed that internal self talk and remind me that I am enough; I am important; I matter; I am desirable. And when anxiety comes stalking I can call on these memories to help quiet it. And the more memories and positive experiences I have, the louder I can make my internal voice. So I want to tell you all that even though people seem to think it ALL has to come from an internal source, I think it's ok to have an external source that feeds you. And it's just another reminder to be a kind human, you never know how much an impact you may be having on someone's life.
Three very powerful little words. I'm sure you've read them somewhere, whether a post, a meme or in a book. It's something I think we ALL struggle with. Those crushing feelings of not being good enough, pretty enough, strong enough- just not being "enough" for everyone else, much less yourself. There's about a million self-help books and articles about how to make yourself "enough"; I should know, I feel like I've read them all. But, they basically all sum it up into one thing- to be "enough" has to come from within.
I get it. I really do. We are supposed to have sufficient self esteem and self confidence to overcome societal pressures to be happy, even exuberant (but not content) about ourselves. And per all of these resources it has to come internally. Again, I get it. But when you're struggling a little external validation that you matter, that you're important, that you're a human, much less an attractive female, can go a long way to boosting that internal mindset. Because when you have anxiety like I do and you ride the rollercoaster of it, you can have days where you are on top of the world and that self confidence radiates like a beacon, but then you can have days where you are stuck in a valley of self doubt, being fed the lies of anxiety. It makes it challenging to keep a mantra in my head that I am enough; that I am worthy. This is where I need to share a story, well really two, about 2 friends of mine. I have some great friends, I really do, but these two made impacts that I'm not sure they knew about until really recently.
A little over a year ago I was really struggling with so many different issues. It was just a short few weeks after the decision to divorce was made. I had the opportunity to be at an event and mingle with other adults. Not something that occurs often in my crazy world with my kiddos, especially when it was something that had nothing to do with my work. This now good friend of mine, spent probably 45 minutes just chatting with me. I don't have a clue what we talked about, but it was a turning point. I remember leaving the event feeling amazed that someone wanted to talk to me that long. I felt important, special in that moment and I was able to hold that feeling for a while. It was really what I needed at that moment. And now, that same friend takes time to check up on me, stop by to say hello and make me laugh. I actually brought it up to my friend a little while ago and they vaguely remembered the event. They had no idea how much of an impact it had on me. It was such a simple, human gesture, but I consider it a turning point in my life. Just a little external validation that I existed as a person and was worthy of speaking with was what I needed. (And yes I have thanked this friend for this.)
My other friend is a newer friend, in fact I'm referring to the one I posted about a month or so ago who sat down next to me on my business trip. Crazy right? We continue to remain really good friends, and I am forever grateful for our friendship. I actually make it a point to tell my friend this, because it is so important to me. Why? Because this friend of mine is also going through some struggles, and I want them to know that they are making a difference in my life. In fact, I continue to believe that we were put in each other's paths for healing by God. I'm not generally an overly religious person, but this friendship and connection cannot be denied. This friend has listened to me rant through the chaos of the past 3 weeks (that's another post) and managed to make me smile and even laugh on one of the darkest days. But what does that have to do with being enough you say? Everything. This friend reminds me that I am a strong, capable independent woman without actually telling me that. Said friend reminds me that there are no set rules in a divorce, that I am important and that I matter. And to be clear, none of it is said directly, it's in the attitude and little things.
It's those little external things, that for me, can feed that internal self talk and remind me that I am enough; I am important; I matter; I am desirable. And when anxiety comes stalking I can call on these memories to help quiet it. And the more memories and positive experiences I have, the louder I can make my internal voice. So I want to tell you all that even though people seem to think it ALL has to come from an internal source, I think it's ok to have an external source that feeds you. And it's just another reminder to be a kind human, you never know how much an impact you may be having on someone's life.
Sunday, July 1, 2018
The "easy road"
I usually sit and ponder an introduction while I'm composing my posts, but this one, well I just wanted to dive in. If you're on facebook then I know at some point in your scrolling you have seen this post (or a version):
"For couples so eager to call it quits and throw in the towel on your relationships because everything isn’t “perfect”... here is some food for thought. Lifelong commitment is not what most people think it is. It's not waking up every morning to make breakfast and eat together. It's not cuddling in bed until both of you fall asleep, peacefully, at night. It's not a clean home filled with laughter and lovemaking, everyday. It's someone who steals all the covers (and snores!) . It's slammed doors and a few harsh words, at times. It’s stubbornly disagreeing and giving each other the silent treatment until your hearts heal...and, then...FORGIVENESS! It’s coming home to the same person, everyday, that you know LOVES and CARES about you in spite of (and because of) who you are. It's laughing about the one time you accidentally did something stupid. It's about dirty laundry and unmade beds WITHOUT finger pointing. It's about helping each other with the hard work of life! It's about swallowing the nagging words instead of saying them out loud. It's about eating the cheapest and easiest meal you can make and sitting down together at a late hour to eat because you both had a crazy day. It's when you have an emotional breakdown and your Love lays with you and holds you and tells you everything is going to be okay...and you BELIEVE them. It's about still loving someone even though, sometimes, they make you absolutely insane. Loving someone is not easy....sometimes it's extremely hard; but it's amazing and comforting and one of the BEST things you'll ever experience!"
Let me ask you a few questions: Do you think it was "easy" to decide to leave a marriage after almost 14 years? Do you think it was "easy" to tell my 4 kids that their Mom and Dad would no longer be living together? Do you think it's "easy" to figure out when you have your kids and when your ex does? I guess it must be "easy" then to spend holidays alone. Do you think that most people who are divorced didn't fight for their marriage? That they didn't do everything and more only to have it not work. This shameful post is right up there with telling us to read a book, go to marriage counseling, take a retreat, or just spend more time together, because clearly if we had just tried one of those things it would have magically fixed our marriages. Most of us that are divorced did all those things and more, but here we are, STILL divorced. So please, take a step back and remember that most of us who are divorced had what you describe above and then something changed. And sometimes, crazy enough, people get divorced that still love each other. Sometimes you just can't be the people you were meant to be in a marriage.
It's not that I don't want you to celebrate your healthy, amazing relationship. In fact, I do want you to share it with the world. It's a reminder to me (bittersweet at times) that things can (and do) work. So please, share how wonderful and supportive your partner is; celebrate the big and little stuff. But let's cut the shame and guilt. Let's have you share how long you've been together and how that person completes your world and makes you a better person. That's the post I want to read; those are the pictures that I want to see and celebrate. Because like some other divorcees I know, we have HOPE that maybe one day we can experience that amazing phenomenon again.
Yeah, can we chat about this? Because unless you've been through the gut wrenching process of divorce, it's not about "calling it quits" and it's not because everything isn't "perfect". And really- we're probably the people that could tell you the best about how difficult it can be to love someone. What you're doing in perpetuating this post, rather than celebrating your beautiful relationship, is SHAMING those of us who are divorced. I'm sick of the shame, and I'm tired of you thinking that those of us who are divorced took the "easy road." I carry enough shame and guilt on my own- I don't need any extra from you, thank you very much.
"For couples so eager to call it quits and throw in the towel on your relationships because everything isn’t “perfect”... here is some food for thought. Lifelong commitment is not what most people think it is. It's not waking up every morning to make breakfast and eat together. It's not cuddling in bed until both of you fall asleep, peacefully, at night. It's not a clean home filled with laughter and lovemaking, everyday. It's someone who steals all the covers (and snores!) . It's slammed doors and a few harsh words, at times. It’s stubbornly disagreeing and giving each other the silent treatment until your hearts heal...and, then...FORGIVENESS! It’s coming home to the same person, everyday, that you know LOVES and CARES about you in spite of (and because of) who you are. It's laughing about the one time you accidentally did something stupid. It's about dirty laundry and unmade beds WITHOUT finger pointing. It's about helping each other with the hard work of life! It's about swallowing the nagging words instead of saying them out loud. It's about eating the cheapest and easiest meal you can make and sitting down together at a late hour to eat because you both had a crazy day. It's when you have an emotional breakdown and your Love lays with you and holds you and tells you everything is going to be okay...and you BELIEVE them. It's about still loving someone even though, sometimes, they make you absolutely insane. Loving someone is not easy....sometimes it's extremely hard; but it's amazing and comforting and one of the BEST things you'll ever experience!"
Let me ask you a few questions: Do you think it was "easy" to decide to leave a marriage after almost 14 years? Do you think it was "easy" to tell my 4 kids that their Mom and Dad would no longer be living together? Do you think it's "easy" to figure out when you have your kids and when your ex does? I guess it must be "easy" then to spend holidays alone. Do you think that most people who are divorced didn't fight for their marriage? That they didn't do everything and more only to have it not work. This shameful post is right up there with telling us to read a book, go to marriage counseling, take a retreat, or just spend more time together, because clearly if we had just tried one of those things it would have magically fixed our marriages. Most of us that are divorced did all those things and more, but here we are, STILL divorced. So please, take a step back and remember that most of us who are divorced had what you describe above and then something changed. And sometimes, crazy enough, people get divorced that still love each other. Sometimes you just can't be the people you were meant to be in a marriage.
It's not that I don't want you to celebrate your healthy, amazing relationship. In fact, I do want you to share it with the world. It's a reminder to me (bittersweet at times) that things can (and do) work. So please, share how wonderful and supportive your partner is; celebrate the big and little stuff. But let's cut the shame and guilt. Let's have you share how long you've been together and how that person completes your world and makes you a better person. That's the post I want to read; those are the pictures that I want to see and celebrate. Because like some other divorcees I know, we have HOPE that maybe one day we can experience that amazing phenomenon again.
Yeah, can we chat about this? Because unless you've been through the gut wrenching process of divorce, it's not about "calling it quits" and it's not because everything isn't "perfect". And really- we're probably the people that could tell you the best about how difficult it can be to love someone. What you're doing in perpetuating this post, rather than celebrating your beautiful relationship, is SHAMING those of us who are divorced. I'm sick of the shame, and I'm tired of you thinking that those of us who are divorced took the "easy road." I carry enough shame and guilt on my own- I don't need any extra from you, thank you very much.
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