Yesterday I shared with you my struggles with anxiety and the day that never ended. I woke up this morning surrounded by the love and support from so many of you. I think I have personally thanked each and everyone of you, but if I missed you please know that it meant a lot to me. It means a lot that you take the time to read my words and then to follow up and check on me.
In the most part today presented with less anxiety, but I did have an emotional hangover. If you've never had one, then count yourself lucky. Waking up exhausted, out of sorts and raw all over. You're on edge, because you don't know what's going to set you off, nor how you may react. You want an example, I became teary on my drive to work over a song. It's crazy how much our emotions can have a physical toll on our body. In addition to the physical fatigue, I had mental fatigue by 9am and my day was just ramping up. The emotional rollercoaster of prolonged anxiety from a previous day at times seems never ending. Really it would have been best to take a personal day and sort myself out, but it wasn't a luxury I had today with all the meetings that I needed to attend and run.
I will say I spent part of the morning teary at all the love and support followed by increasing anxiety through some stressful meetings. It was at some of those moments that I received texts and messages from some friends- that my friends is exactly what I needed. Again, I thank you.
In all honesty, the fallout wasn't as bad as I expected. I have had anxiety spirals that have been less and given me more issues the following day. I attribute today to increased contact from all of you and improving coping skills. I was also lucky enough to know that I had a therapy session this evening, and that I was able to follow it up with a nice run outside. Sometimes that double combination is enough to clear everything from me. I wasn't that lucky today, but I am feeling so much better than last night. Thank you again for all the love and support. Please use these posts as a reminder to reach out to your friends and family, you never know how one little text may brighten someone's day.
Tuesday, June 26, 2018
Monday, June 25, 2018
Spirals of Anxiety
A few years ago I was diagnosed with anxiety and I have been seeing a wonderful psychologist who gives me coping skills, an ear when I need it, and so much more. She's been a godsend. I'm at the point now that I can recognize when I'm in the midst of a spiral, and sometimes I have the ability to pull myself out.... today was not that day. Today, I was able to identify the root of my trigger which was lack of sleep and finding lice (again) in my girls' hair. That combo, along with attitude from the kids started me off on a path this morning that I knew was likely to lead to an anxiety spiral. I tried, I really did. I did my deep breathing, I took a time out (or 3). I gave my kids lots of space, but it hit me full force when I asked for someone to pack my bag so we could all go to the pool. When I got attitude again I couldn't contain the anxiety and off I went into this spiral. While, I know it may sound like anger, sometimes anger comes from anxiety (and we all know often fear). And truth be told I'm still spiraling.
It's a scary place to be, especially when you're alone or alone with your kids. When you're a single, divorced mom with a limited social support network you don't have a lot of options. And I know at least one of you is thinking- call someone..... yeah I know, but when you're in the throws of an anxiety spiral you circle around that thought. These are some of the things that happen in my head: "call/text [her]" followed by "no! you've dumped/vented on her enough", then I might think of someone else which is typically followed with "they've got their own issues at the moment." And as all this circles and spirals in my head there's a part of me that 100% knows I am being irrational and the majority of my friends wouldn't give a damn if I called them in the midst of this. There are days I can gain enough traction to make that call/text, but today was not one of them. So I just continued to spiral, and it didn't matter that I was now at the public pool with my crew. I sent them off swimming and diving and opted to attempt to distract myself with the 'book.
(Now I should note, this is not a good option for me. It typically makes things worse. I see the happy families/couples and it ramps me up more. It sends a very real reminder that my family is very different these days and I am no longer part of a couple/team. This is not to knock my ex- he is very involved with the kids and loves them to pieces. But seeing what seems like everyone happy and together just makes things worse for me.)
But, while I was surfing and making myself worse I stumbled on this post shared by a friend and I started silently crying poolside. Because you see the writer could have been writing about so many of my own experiences. And in the midst of my anxiety spiral I was reminded (again) how lonely I was and how much loneliness I experience daily. It's in so many aspects, like being at the pool while surrounded by a family with 2 parents present, to being the only parent present at a school event (again not bashing- see statement above) or explaining to someone that you knew previously that you are no longer married. I feel like I have at least one daily reminder that I am alone. And when you combine it with spiraling anxiety that makes you think crazy thoughts about the choices you have made along your journey, you end up a hot mess. And here it is hours later and I'm still wrecked by both this blog about loneliness and my own anxiety spiral.
See, at this point in my spiral there's almost nothing I can do alone to stop it. I need that outside source, preferably someone physically present to be here to let me know I am ok and that I am not alone. But I AM alone; my kids are here but it is NOT their job to get me through this, nor is it appropriate for them to do so (they do know I am sad). So it's just another reminder that divorce is a lonely road and you can't fully understand it until you've been here. Anxiety robbed me of a beautiful day with my kids, and loneliness and anxiety are trying to rule my evening. It's likely at this point that I will burn out this spiral with a few more tears and wake up tomorrow with an emotional hangover. I had been hoping to comment more specifically on the blog post that I read about the mom loneliness but I can't gather my thoughts enough to be coherent, so I'll leave it for another day.
It's a scary place to be, especially when you're alone or alone with your kids. When you're a single, divorced mom with a limited social support network you don't have a lot of options. And I know at least one of you is thinking- call someone..... yeah I know, but when you're in the throws of an anxiety spiral you circle around that thought. These are some of the things that happen in my head: "call/text [her]" followed by "no! you've dumped/vented on her enough", then I might think of someone else which is typically followed with "they've got their own issues at the moment." And as all this circles and spirals in my head there's a part of me that 100% knows I am being irrational and the majority of my friends wouldn't give a damn if I called them in the midst of this. There are days I can gain enough traction to make that call/text, but today was not one of them. So I just continued to spiral, and it didn't matter that I was now at the public pool with my crew. I sent them off swimming and diving and opted to attempt to distract myself with the 'book.
(Now I should note, this is not a good option for me. It typically makes things worse. I see the happy families/couples and it ramps me up more. It sends a very real reminder that my family is very different these days and I am no longer part of a couple/team. This is not to knock my ex- he is very involved with the kids and loves them to pieces. But seeing what seems like everyone happy and together just makes things worse for me.)
But, while I was surfing and making myself worse I stumbled on this post shared by a friend and I started silently crying poolside. Because you see the writer could have been writing about so many of my own experiences. And in the midst of my anxiety spiral I was reminded (again) how lonely I was and how much loneliness I experience daily. It's in so many aspects, like being at the pool while surrounded by a family with 2 parents present, to being the only parent present at a school event (again not bashing- see statement above) or explaining to someone that you knew previously that you are no longer married. I feel like I have at least one daily reminder that I am alone. And when you combine it with spiraling anxiety that makes you think crazy thoughts about the choices you have made along your journey, you end up a hot mess. And here it is hours later and I'm still wrecked by both this blog about loneliness and my own anxiety spiral.
See, at this point in my spiral there's almost nothing I can do alone to stop it. I need that outside source, preferably someone physically present to be here to let me know I am ok and that I am not alone. But I AM alone; my kids are here but it is NOT their job to get me through this, nor is it appropriate for them to do so (they do know I am sad). So it's just another reminder that divorce is a lonely road and you can't fully understand it until you've been here. Anxiety robbed me of a beautiful day with my kids, and loneliness and anxiety are trying to rule my evening. It's likely at this point that I will burn out this spiral with a few more tears and wake up tomorrow with an emotional hangover. I had been hoping to comment more specifically on the blog post that I read about the mom loneliness but I can't gather my thoughts enough to be coherent, so I'll leave it for another day.
Monday, June 11, 2018
A name change, a life change and a story
Welcome back... it's been a really long time since I blogged about anything. Life has been so chaotic that I haven't wanted to post anything. But it's finally time.
Part of this post have been over a year in the making and I finally have the courage to write. A little over a year ago the decision was made for the hubby and I to separate and divorce. I will not rehash the details, the hows and whys and all of those things here. There are some things that still deserve privacy and this is one of them. Suffice it to say I was not happy, and after a long road I decided I could not be married anymore as it was detrimental to my health and happiness and that of my children. Hence the name change.
All of that being said, it has been a very long journey, both to get to that point and to the point I am at now in my life. Along this journey I learned that I suffer from anxiety. I reached out to a licensed professional and have been in counseling for almost 2 years at this point. I still have moments where my anxiety spirals like crazy, but I am learning new ways to manage things. This is especially important when I find myself surrounded by my 4 crazy and lovable kiddos and rising anxiety. Single motherhood is not for the faint of heart and it's been a huge adjustment for us all. Sometimes when the anxiety rises it means a time-out for me, sometimes it means a time out for everyone. Sometimes, it's a reach out to those people that have been there for me the past year.
It's been an experience to see who has been there for me on this journey. I will say my family has supported me 100% and gone above and beyond to help me and the kiddos through this transition. It's been everyone else that has surprised me. I've had many friends reach out with the standard "let me know how I can help," but a very limited few who actually took the initiative to help of their own accord. And by help it could be a text message, note on my desk, hug or an ear offered at a crucial moment. Here's the honest truth: I would have loved more support, but there was no way I could ask for it. It took every ounce of my strength and courage to get up and out the door everyday for months on end. I had no more strength and courage to admit to anyone that I would have loved a meal cooked for my family, or to have someone else set-up a coffee date or girls night out on my nights alone. Getting divorced is a grieving process. In our society when a loved one dies they are surrounded by friends and family providing food, support, etc. At one of the most critical times in my life, when I really could have used that support, I found myself nearly alone. My extended family is at the closest 1 1/2 hours away, so it fell to my friends, neighbors and tribe. And while a very select few were there, the majority were not- they were waiting me to make the first move. As I said above, I was in no way able to make the move, as much as I would have loved to. Anxiety, mild depression and grief ruled me. I used my courage and strength to be happy and strong for my children and be as successful at my job as possible when your world has changed. I was/am that picture of your "strong friend." If you didn't know what I was going through, you very likely would not have guessed.
Now, none of this is written to make you all feel guilty, but it's written to inform you that if you have someone going through a divorce, or ANY tough time- don't wait for them. YOU need to be the one to reach out. I know we are seeing more of this posted throughout social media and I can only hope and pray that this time it sticks.
But, I promised you a story as well today.
I firmly believe that God places people in our life at certain points for reasons. Now I find myself unexpectedly with an amazing new friend that I can't help but feel was placed there by God. And, it all started with a simple conversation on a bus trip during a business trip. It's funny how something so simple can have such a huge impact on you. While I'm on the bus to my training my soon to be friend asks to sit in my open seat, and we start chatting about what we're taking for training and just little things. But in this day and age, having a simple conversation with a stranger is a rarity. We shared a lovely conversation about a small host of topics and when we arrived at our training I figured we would part ways. Unbeknownst to us we had both arrived a day early to training and found ourselves almost stuck at the training center for the day. Luckily, we were able to secure a ride back to our hotel where we discovered we were on the same floor just doors apart. Tentative plans were made for the day that fell apart, but we met up again the next day on the bus. I won't say we became best friends instantly, but we certainly shared a bond from the previous day. We decided that we should stick together in our class and spent the week sitting in class, cracking jokes and sharing meals. It made my trip so much less lonely than the previous business trip I went on this year. I haven't laughed so hard in months, or maybe a year. It was amazing. For me personally it was one more step in my healing process from the divorce, and I am forever grateful. So please take the time to talk to those strangers, smile, make new friends because you never know where you new good friend will be found.
Part of this post have been over a year in the making and I finally have the courage to write. A little over a year ago the decision was made for the hubby and I to separate and divorce. I will not rehash the details, the hows and whys and all of those things here. There are some things that still deserve privacy and this is one of them. Suffice it to say I was not happy, and after a long road I decided I could not be married anymore as it was detrimental to my health and happiness and that of my children. Hence the name change.
All of that being said, it has been a very long journey, both to get to that point and to the point I am at now in my life. Along this journey I learned that I suffer from anxiety. I reached out to a licensed professional and have been in counseling for almost 2 years at this point. I still have moments where my anxiety spirals like crazy, but I am learning new ways to manage things. This is especially important when I find myself surrounded by my 4 crazy and lovable kiddos and rising anxiety. Single motherhood is not for the faint of heart and it's been a huge adjustment for us all. Sometimes when the anxiety rises it means a time-out for me, sometimes it means a time out for everyone. Sometimes, it's a reach out to those people that have been there for me the past year.
It's been an experience to see who has been there for me on this journey. I will say my family has supported me 100% and gone above and beyond to help me and the kiddos through this transition. It's been everyone else that has surprised me. I've had many friends reach out with the standard "let me know how I can help," but a very limited few who actually took the initiative to help of their own accord. And by help it could be a text message, note on my desk, hug or an ear offered at a crucial moment. Here's the honest truth: I would have loved more support, but there was no way I could ask for it. It took every ounce of my strength and courage to get up and out the door everyday for months on end. I had no more strength and courage to admit to anyone that I would have loved a meal cooked for my family, or to have someone else set-up a coffee date or girls night out on my nights alone. Getting divorced is a grieving process. In our society when a loved one dies they are surrounded by friends and family providing food, support, etc. At one of the most critical times in my life, when I really could have used that support, I found myself nearly alone. My extended family is at the closest 1 1/2 hours away, so it fell to my friends, neighbors and tribe. And while a very select few were there, the majority were not- they were waiting me to make the first move. As I said above, I was in no way able to make the move, as much as I would have loved to. Anxiety, mild depression and grief ruled me. I used my courage and strength to be happy and strong for my children and be as successful at my job as possible when your world has changed. I was/am that picture of your "strong friend." If you didn't know what I was going through, you very likely would not have guessed.
Now, none of this is written to make you all feel guilty, but it's written to inform you that if you have someone going through a divorce, or ANY tough time- don't wait for them. YOU need to be the one to reach out. I know we are seeing more of this posted throughout social media and I can only hope and pray that this time it sticks.
But, I promised you a story as well today.
I firmly believe that God places people in our life at certain points for reasons. Now I find myself unexpectedly with an amazing new friend that I can't help but feel was placed there by God. And, it all started with a simple conversation on a bus trip during a business trip. It's funny how something so simple can have such a huge impact on you. While I'm on the bus to my training my soon to be friend asks to sit in my open seat, and we start chatting about what we're taking for training and just little things. But in this day and age, having a simple conversation with a stranger is a rarity. We shared a lovely conversation about a small host of topics and when we arrived at our training I figured we would part ways. Unbeknownst to us we had both arrived a day early to training and found ourselves almost stuck at the training center for the day. Luckily, we were able to secure a ride back to our hotel where we discovered we were on the same floor just doors apart. Tentative plans were made for the day that fell apart, but we met up again the next day on the bus. I won't say we became best friends instantly, but we certainly shared a bond from the previous day. We decided that we should stick together in our class and spent the week sitting in class, cracking jokes and sharing meals. It made my trip so much less lonely than the previous business trip I went on this year. I haven't laughed so hard in months, or maybe a year. It was amazing. For me personally it was one more step in my healing process from the divorce, and I am forever grateful. So please take the time to talk to those strangers, smile, make new friends because you never know where you new good friend will be found.
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