Unwelcome Gifts

Here's a tough one to write about: trauma, and the gifts that it keeps delivering. It's no secret that I'm in therapy, I've been in therapy almost continuously for the past 3 years. It was the best decision I ever made for myself, to look at myself and learn how to heal myself. I've changed my mindset, learned to manage my anxiety (that I didn't know I had until therapy) and most days feel like the person I used to be, just better.

I now carry a light and happiness within me that I don't remember having for a very long time. And to be clear, that is no one's fault but my own, I let my circumstances and my own self get in my path. I work diligently in therapy and out of therapy, because you can't accomplish life changes in 1 hour a week. You have to put in the work. Even during rough days and moments I can pull up that happy center and know that I will be ok.

But then there's this thing called trauma... you deal with it in therapy (and at home) and you think you've healed yourself. Then surprise! it comes knocking randomly and you find yourself dealing with this unexpected gift. I like to say trauma can be the gift that keeps on giving, but I'd like to return to sender. I'm not discussing here this particular trauma, but it's enough to know that I spent a number of sessions working through it and thought it was done. So, when this issue came up twice in the past 10 days I knew I had to confront it in therapy, again. To be honest it frustrates me, I had an agenda of other things I wanted to work on, but trauma does it's own thing, just like your average 3 year old.

Now here I am in therapy dealing with what I had thought was a healed trauma. But, as Donkey and Shrek say we're like onions, so trauma must follow the same pattern of layers. I healed one layer and have more to go. I know in my heart that it will be ok and I will heal this with work. I only share all this because it honestly came as a surprise to me. In hindsight, it really shouldn't have been a surprise, but I've been happy and centered and glowing thanks to my own growth and some amazing relationships. I didn't imagine that this particular trauma would reappear in the midst of this joy. Instead of allowing it to overwhelm me, I will use this as a growth experience and will not let it dim my light and joy and happiness.