The End 2024

There is not a single word that can describe the year of 2024. There was laughter, joy, compassion, tears, heartache, pain, and indescribable bonds. My house was a construction zone, a nightmare at times. It was no longer a safe haven, a place to relax; it was simply a space to endure and exist as they drilled, hammered, made huge messes, and frustrated me to tears. I often felt adrift without a space to call my own, sanctuary lacking, though sanctuary was found and created in a new space, an unexpected one. One that at times terrified me, while still exciting me. A space that was freely offered by the incredible man in my life; what started as a simple workstation, a place to get away from the noise, dust, and disturbance of construction became my lifeline. From there it spread to more spaces within his home, and now his home is a sanctuary of its own for me. There is something in the simple act of having your own space within another's that creates bonds.

As 2024 progressed so did my own personal journey. There were old traumas to address: the pain, hurt, anger, frustration, and disappointment at having my life upended, losing the person I considered my best friend, and moving from simply surviving to living. I cried, I wrote, I had therapy sessions that left me drained, and through this I have found my footing. While much of the future is not yet planned, I am healing enough to start planning. It's little things like a trip this summer with my family, and how it will be to take S off to college; as well as larger things like what life looks like 5 years from now when my crew have graduated high school and are no longer home full-time. A year ago looking that far ahead was impossible, today it is something I can begin to envision and shape. I find myself looking at a future that includes companionship of the best kinds: solid relationships with my children and a best friend that loves me. It continues to be a change to think of life in terms of 6, not 5, to shift my words and phrases and thoughts of doing so much solo to knowing that I have a partner. There have been so many moments over the past year where I could have chosen the easy path and let the trauma, pain, and hurt of the past overtake me, damage my relationship, and I find myself beyond grateful for the work to get me here today.

From one that has spent so many years being solo, and doing things solo for a multitude of reasons 2024 has gifted me opportunity for community and companionship. There were muddy hikes and kayaks with a friend that brought me such joy, walks in the woods with my man and his pup, volcano hiking with my kids and mom, beach-time with my kids and parents, and snowboarding with family. Last year we ended the year with a 2 day trip to trial snowboarding, and this year we ended it with another snowboarding adventure. There were 2 days of laughter, falls, joy, and growth in the Poconos. Progress was made with each of us and I found myself reflecting back on our time from last year as we fell, slipped, crashed, and laughed. Last year I remember looking down the mountain and finding that person there just for me, cheering me on for doing nothing more than not falling; this year they were there doing that too, yet the dynamics have changed and there was a smile and hug waiting for me from one that loves me. In the space of a year we have created a tradition that I hope carries forward with the 6 of us. 

I know that 2025 brings forth intense change with S going off to college, G starting their journey towards college, and the end of middle school for B. These are the known changes and as always there will be a host of unexpected changes. I did not expect to be unemployed for months in 2024, yet it has brought me back to my roots of pediatric physical therapy and I find myself thriving in treating kids in their homes as I did as a new graduate, a full circle moment. 2024 brought me the opportunity to teach PT students 2 mornings a week in a daycare. These students have reminded me in the best of ways that there is a wealth of things I know after being told repeatedly I simply didn't know things over the past few years. With 2025 upon us there are new traditions being established with snowboarding trips, family vacations for 6, and adventures for 2 and 6. This past year has been intense for me, for my kids, and for the incredible man in my life. There has been so much that I would change, yet if changing any of things did not land me where I sit in this moment I am not sure I would opt to change them. The trajectory for 2025 and onward is filled with joy, laughter, change, adventure, and companionship, all things simple and beautiful.

A Year of Change

From snowboarding to scones to fondue and cheesecake it was a weekend of food and memories. I had the pleasure of spending the weekend celebrating a milestone birthday with my guy. We hit the indoor slopes on Friday to snowboard, enjoyed dinners with parents on different nights, family bonding, and plenty of time just as us. I spoiled him with a few of his favorite foods, and he enjoyed, and is still enjoying, discovering penguins hidden throughout his house. Presents were opened and to quote him "It was a perfect weekend."

It was quite the contrast to where we were 1 year ago. A year ago we had just broken up, as our relationship was simply too much for both of us. I was in denial that it was too much, but in truth the traumas that we had both experienced over the past 6+ months were impacting us, and impacting the relationship that we were building. There was a mutual respect for each other and an agreement to stay in touch. We both knew that the other was a person that we still wanted in our life, yet something had to change. His genuine heart, unique perspectives, and ability to make me laugh were not things that I wanted to lose. Even though I did not want to lose contact with him I knew that space was needed for both of us. I needed to grieve this change, find my footing, and more forward in healthy ways. It provided me the opportunity for growth and clarity, demonstrating that I did not collapse, my world did not collapse, when something unexpected occurred.

These lessons came after the spring of 2023 where everything burned and my world appeared to be no more. Only 6 months later arrived the ending of something special, and I found myself sad, upset, and yet still standing with strength I did not have prior. I also had hope. I had hope for the continued friendship of us. While our contact was extremely minimal at first it grew slowly and tentatively. We had to navigate being only friends while still processing our previous traumas and growing into our own. As the time progressed there was still a hesitancy, but glimmers of our connection appeared. And when I opened the discussion of snowboarding the barriers began to fall faster. 

He helped me navigate and plan to take my crew snowboarding for the first time. His generous nature shining through and overwhelming at every turn and text. With a common goal we found ourselves in more frequent communication and our friendship growing. There were some challenging moments, but with the pressure of an intimate relationship removed the communication was easier. Laughter came frequently and the night we went to dinner as friends is one that I like to revisit in my head. While there were a few moments that challenged me the hours we spent chatting and laughing reminded me so much of our previous dates that I was extremely happy to have him back in my life. It was these moments and the ones following that strengthened our friendship and carried us through the holidays of 2023.

Two and half months following our break-up we found ourselves starting again. It was unexpected, and yet it felt right. Slowly we have found our way, and this was a capstone weekend for us. It was a year of change, a year of growth, and a year of falling in love with ourselves and each other.

      

The Other Side of Healing

What no one tells you is that when you are healing from past traumas and experiences is both the fear and the freedom that you experience. Fear and discomfort at the unfamiliarity of the situation, fear that somehow this will change or be taken away, discomfort at breaking new patterns and experiencing new ones. Every step forward away from those traumas and negative experiences breaks the pattern and helps to create new ones, or at least space for new ones. This past year has had a multitude of them for me and I find myself frequently in a space of not knowing what to do. I know ultimately what I want, but the path to achieving what I want, believing that what I want will occur, and making those steps often has me stumped. How do I accept this new place when everything to this point has told me otherwise that it simply is a pipe dream? What do I need to do here to believe otherwise enough to make a change in my own self?

These moments are taxing, they are breaking, but they have been worth it. The moments of "I don't know what to do with this" are usually my first indicator that I'm standing at a precipice with a choice to trudge back down the familiar path or jump forward into this new space and existence. I wish that I could say I have jumped with each of these opportunities but I have not; fear, anxiety, habit, and the safety/comfort of the familiarity of retreat have overtaken some of these. For the times that I do leap I am filled with a nervous energy and excitement, overwhelmed in the moment and sometimes startled to find myself in this new space. Sometimes these are important transitions, and others are simply small ones, but each new one still unknown. What they don't tell you is that these are often scary, they present their own fear. In breaking my patterns, leaving the comfort of the unhealthy I have to face myself, my history, my previous choices and give grace to that woman so that the one in this moment is free.

What no one tells you about healthy and healing is that the path is not linear, nor is it a staircase; it is a trail through the woods and mountains, winding about, often times reversing back on itself. Finding myself continually challenged with ideas, experiences, choices that I think I have changed and accepted, yet they reappear as the trail winds. Making the changes internally is a process, one that is nearly as intense as experiencing the initial traumas. It has a depth and complexity to it that is difficult to explain. In learning to be vulnerable and trust I have to acknowledge the previous moments where I was vulnerable and was left stranded on the path. I have to find the courage to believe and accept that this moment is different, or I find myself retracing steps, repeating, and allowing the fear of healthy overtake the security of unhealthy.

When you have experienced such intense time periods in your life moving into something that is stable and healthy feels unstable, feels unsafe. While it is the thing you crave, the thing you desire, and the thing that society thinks should be an easy acceptance, "simply choose it and it will be so;" those of us who have walked this can speak to the challenge. Moving from a pipe dream to facing the reality that it is no longer a pipe dream is it's own challenge. Grappling with your own sense of worthiness, ability to be loved, and to be seen and accepted for who you are- not what you can provide is difficult. That movement into accepting each of these components it's own journey, it's own path in healing and growth that can be just as violent and life-altering as the times that took those away from you.

welcome to the other side of healing