I sit here tonight closing in on the end of my 30s. What an interesting decade this has been. I started my 30's with 3 kids all under the age of 3, married, just trying to survive grad school. Within the year I became pregnant with #4 and spent 4 months in upstate New York, 3 kids in tow, collecting data for my dissertation. I left on that trip knowing I was pregnant, keeping it a secret from everyone but very close family and friends, knowing that it would was going to cause a ruckus at the grad school. I will tell you that when I returned months later, obviously pregnant I was met with a terse reception and statements that do not bear repeating here.
As the decade progressed baby #4 was born and the family was complete: 4 kids (2 of each with my bookend girls), 1 husband and a PhD wanna be mama. That's when you all met me. I studied, I collected data, I wrote, and wrote and wrote until I then I had to edit, edit, edit. And then it was done, the PhD was earned and a chapter closed. For those that have followed along know that from there we moved our family and as always seemed to happen, disasters fell. We had a house to live in, but my job was in limbo due to a licensing issue. For 6 weeks we lived not knowing if we had left everything behind to come to nothing. With a board meeting, letters of recommendation and my pure grit and honesty of the situation it was all resolved and I started that new job.
I worked tirelessly, learning a new dance of being a working mom. It was hard, even though I worked 30 hours a week and I had a clear distinction between work and home, it was challenging. I loved my job, I loved my kids, but I was stressed. I turned to running. I ran more and more, eventually chasing down that first race, a whopping half-marathon. From there you know I was hooked, running was my me time and my escape. I could literally run away from my stress and my problems and come home high on endorphins. But it wasn't enough, there was still stress and my problems, no matter how much I ran they were always waiting for me.
As time progressed we left our rental home and moved to a new one with a better school district, neighborhood, community, and an amazing yard. This move was fraught with challenges; from being told we wouldn't be able to get a loan to almost being homeless it was an extremely stressful 6 months trying to secure housing. The stress was worth it. This home is fantastic. I sit on almost half an acre, I have apple and pear trees, a garden, a cherry tree and grapevine- all of which feed my family. We even have a quarter built chicken coop! Here, my children can run and play and climb and just be kids.
As my 30's progressed I struggled. I wasn't chasing a big dream or goal- I was just trying to survive working, running, a marriage and a financial hell in which we were living. I picked up extra work as a Beachbody coach, and I ran more. I turned to marathons, which meant more time running, super early mornings, runs lasting 3-4 hours and then pushing through the rest of the day just trying to be the best mom and wife that I could. The truth was I wasn't as happy as I made out. I was exhausted, and it wasn't just from the running.
It was everything. I was trying to be everything to everyone and in the process lost myself. I was angry, I was tired, I was resentful, but I was also hurt, anxious, sad and shut out from everyone. I pushed people away, afraid to let them see the imperfect side of me. When everyone assumes you are a super hero it's not easy to let them see you're not. To do this day I still struggle with that, which is why I write here. I want you all to know that those facebook posts and instagram posts don't make up my life. Some of those are the highlight reel, but you also know I now share the lows. The lows are what make us real, authentic humans. I am perfectly imperfect, flawed; but I am me.
The last 3 years I have found me, with exponential growth over the past 18 months. I found that woman inside of me unafraid to chase big, crazy impossible sounding dreams and goals. I found that woman who isn't going to let a typical path lead her life anymore. I fell in love with hiking, backpacking and adventuring, and in doing so fell in love with me again. I am chasing passions and letting them lead me into this new adventurous life. What is it going to mean? I don't know, but I know that it means exciting changes are coming.
I have visions and dreams, but not a roadmap. The only thing I can tell you for sure is that 2023 you will find me on an adventure of a lifetime completing a thru-hike of the Appalachian Trail. As I close out these last few minutes of my 30s the biggest lesson I learned was to be ME and love ME. In doing that I can inspire, lead and create the adventurous life I am designed and destined for.
