One of the biggest things I've learned hiking is to be comfortable in the silence. There are hours that go by where I hear nothing but very quiet nature sounds and my own thoughts. The silence isn't the deafening silence you can find among people, but a peaceful silence if you are willing to listen and accept it. I find healing and peace there, along with a sense of myself.
While I'm home I've been trying to recapture that silence, and it's a challenge. There is no silence like the trail here truly, but I can create moments of silence. In being home I realized how much of my life is surrounded with noise, sound, and music. I love music and the role it plays in accompanying my life, but I didn't understand how much I depended on the music until I had those long stretches without. I always have the option to hike with accompaniment, but I don't need it. The sound of silence is enough. To recreate this peace and communion with myself I've taken to driving to/from work in silence most days, that is unless the traffic is driving me bonkers... It's interesting driving in the silence; it gives me a chance to reflect on the day I want to have and then the day that I had without any influence from the outside. I'm alone with my thoughts and daydreams. And, at this point I am comfortable in that silence and the story that it creates.
For me it's moving beyond the Simon & Garfunkel song about separation and false images, but learning what can you discover within the silence. (Full disclosure, I prefer Disturbed's version more than the original.) In being comfortable with the silence I openly accept me, my imperfections and am forced to face my flaws and fears. In the natural silence of the woods and trail those flaws add to the perfection that is you. The opening lines to that infamous song "hello darkness my old friend" have become my refrain as I seek the silence. The darkness and silence truly are my friend during most moments. While there are moments in the silence that the anxiety threatens to take hold I can recall the peace of the trail, the smell of the forest and the wind brushing past me and in 5 deep breaths I can release the anxiety and focus again on the power of the silence. There is a magic in the sound of the silence if you only listen.
Thursday, January 30, 2020
Wednesday, January 29, 2020
Dream Chasing
As some of you might be aware Leilah Grace is at it again.
This time she has partnered with Rue McKenrick, an amazing man designing, creating and hiking America's newest long trail, the American Perimeter Trail. As you all know I don't believe that people come into our lives randomly, but that each individual has a purpose. After a few conversations and a phone call I knew within me that I was being called to help this man. He has big dreams and is chasing a seemingly impossible goal, all the while doing it without consistent support. I have been lucky enough in my life to have the support I needed while I was out chasing my big crazy dreams and goals. This opportunity isn't about paying it back, but about doing what is right and supporting someone in their journey.
In the short time of this partnership I find myself glowing, happy and passionate about something; filled with a fire that hasn't been there in a while. I have a sense of belonging, a purpose. This project is forever bouncing around in my head, so much that I carry a notebook for when inspiration strikes. There is no dread, no fear, just excitement at the opportunities and promises it holds. While I help Rue I am finding my own fire and drive to chase my impossible sounding dreams again. Last year I made a connection that reminded me to dream and strive, but 2020 brings a fire and intensity that is unparalleled.
Off we go into 2020 creating a life less ordinary.
Thursday, January 16, 2020
A human connection
Did you know that nights and bedtime are the roughest?
It's facing night after night an empty room and an empty bed. You can typically find me stalling going to bed, staying up significantly later than I should be. I am texting a friend, sending messages or scrolling on Facebook or Instagram, just to get that human connection. There's no one here to reminisce about the day or just decompress. I am not saying that I am incapable of doing these things alone, but that I miss that human connection.
The point is that there are aspects of this journey that hit you everyday and while they are easier than at the beginning I have a daily reminder of the major difference in my life. There are nights that are certainly easier than others, but there is often no predicting what will happen when I turn out the light. A while ago I turned out the light and had a massive meltdown. I couldn't tell you what exactly set it off, but lots of tears later I was finally able to crash into sleep. I have moments in the evenings when I can just anticipate that my bedtime routine will be challenging and have learned to reach out to my friends. I am lucky enough that I have a few friends that are generally awake and willing to chat with me for practically hours on end.
This past Monday was shaping up to be one of those days. My anxiety was on the rise and I was dealing with emotional fallout from an encounter that morning. All day all I wanted was to be at home and be sad and process everything that was swirling within me. Sadly, single mom life called and there were what felt like a million errands to be run and a tight schedule to keep.
As the evening wore on I was exhausted and craving solitude, but around 9pm my phone rang. The number was one unknown to me, but based on the location appearing in the caller ID I had an idea who was calling, and I just couldn't pick up the phone. I was out of courage, exhausted and trying to wrap up my evening of chores and duties. The call went to voicemail and I felt guilt, big guilt about not answering. About 30 minutes later my phone rang again, same number, I gathered what remained of my courage and answered. Maybe you're wondering why I needed courage, but this was not an average phone call. I knew that this phone call had the potential to offer a life changing connection, and I was anxious. After a few moments of chatting my new friend and I were conversing like we had known each other for years and away fell my anxiety, fears, the stress of the day. I am always in awe in the power of a human connection. That phone call was the reset that I needed to go to bed that night at peace.
At my core I believe in the power of human connections and healing nature of healthy connections. Not every human connection is a helpful one, and not all will heal, but when the magic of one appears you can't help but be changed. This specific connection has the additional magic of fueling my plans to a life less ordinary. Who knew that in an hour conversation with a person who was essentially a stranger at the beginning would create such magic and healing?
It's facing night after night an empty room and an empty bed. You can typically find me stalling going to bed, staying up significantly later than I should be. I am texting a friend, sending messages or scrolling on Facebook or Instagram, just to get that human connection. There's no one here to reminisce about the day or just decompress. I am not saying that I am incapable of doing these things alone, but that I miss that human connection.
The point is that there are aspects of this journey that hit you everyday and while they are easier than at the beginning I have a daily reminder of the major difference in my life. There are nights that are certainly easier than others, but there is often no predicting what will happen when I turn out the light. A while ago I turned out the light and had a massive meltdown. I couldn't tell you what exactly set it off, but lots of tears later I was finally able to crash into sleep. I have moments in the evenings when I can just anticipate that my bedtime routine will be challenging and have learned to reach out to my friends. I am lucky enough that I have a few friends that are generally awake and willing to chat with me for practically hours on end.
This past Monday was shaping up to be one of those days. My anxiety was on the rise and I was dealing with emotional fallout from an encounter that morning. All day all I wanted was to be at home and be sad and process everything that was swirling within me. Sadly, single mom life called and there were what felt like a million errands to be run and a tight schedule to keep.
As the evening wore on I was exhausted and craving solitude, but around 9pm my phone rang. The number was one unknown to me, but based on the location appearing in the caller ID I had an idea who was calling, and I just couldn't pick up the phone. I was out of courage, exhausted and trying to wrap up my evening of chores and duties. The call went to voicemail and I felt guilt, big guilt about not answering. About 30 minutes later my phone rang again, same number, I gathered what remained of my courage and answered. Maybe you're wondering why I needed courage, but this was not an average phone call. I knew that this phone call had the potential to offer a life changing connection, and I was anxious. After a few moments of chatting my new friend and I were conversing like we had known each other for years and away fell my anxiety, fears, the stress of the day. I am always in awe in the power of a human connection. That phone call was the reset that I needed to go to bed that night at peace.
At my core I believe in the power of human connections and healing nature of healthy connections. Not every human connection is a helpful one, and not all will heal, but when the magic of one appears you can't help but be changed. This specific connection has the additional magic of fueling my plans to a life less ordinary. Who knew that in an hour conversation with a person who was essentially a stranger at the beginning would create such magic and healing?
Wednesday, January 8, 2020
Memories on Repeat
How many of you play the shoulda, coulda, woulda game with yourself? You know the game where you replay those moments over and over and over again with how you would have done things differently? I have to admit that this game has been playing in my my head the past 2 days. It's one that I do not enjoy and one that triggers my anxiety and increases my anxiety. It's a rabbit hole of worry, worthiness and anxiety that can turn into a spiral of anxiety leaving me restless, unsettled and irritable.
Despite the game occurring in my head over the past 2 days I have been able to keep the majority of anxiety at bay. I don't know whether to be thankful that it is only a handful of memories that keep resurfacing or annoyed that I'm watching the same show on repeat. These moments are ones that are not necessarily pivotal in my life, but ones where a different statement from me may have made the situation have a different outcome. This is why I believe they are on repeat in my head, it's my way of dealing with the outcome of the situation that I have not yet healed from. I am working on accepting the choice I made in the moment and accepting the person that I was in that moment. And that my friends is a tough thing.
We all struggle on some level with acceptance of our imperfect selves. I have yet to meet an individual who 100% accepts their flaws and imperfections. Even the people that I know are so grounded and centered have something to which they have difficulty accepting. From our outward appearances to our mental health we all struggle. Personally, I struggle with this anxiety. It's there, a battle that I feel like I am constantly fighting, while at other moments I know it's lurking, hiding, waiting for me. I know it's the one thing that I would change about myself: I would heal the anxiety. Despite the lessons I've learned and growth that has come from it, it can be exhausting. I heal it a little bit everyday, but it's likely one of those things that will never 100% disappear. If I'm honest that bothers me, and I have to take a moment each day to make peace with that. Then there are days like the last few where I just can't make peace with it, playing the game and memories on repeat.
It will get better though, I do believe that. Faith and hope carry me through.
Despite the game occurring in my head over the past 2 days I have been able to keep the majority of anxiety at bay. I don't know whether to be thankful that it is only a handful of memories that keep resurfacing or annoyed that I'm watching the same show on repeat. These moments are ones that are not necessarily pivotal in my life, but ones where a different statement from me may have made the situation have a different outcome. This is why I believe they are on repeat in my head, it's my way of dealing with the outcome of the situation that I have not yet healed from. I am working on accepting the choice I made in the moment and accepting the person that I was in that moment. And that my friends is a tough thing.
We all struggle on some level with acceptance of our imperfect selves. I have yet to meet an individual who 100% accepts their flaws and imperfections. Even the people that I know are so grounded and centered have something to which they have difficulty accepting. From our outward appearances to our mental health we all struggle. Personally, I struggle with this anxiety. It's there, a battle that I feel like I am constantly fighting, while at other moments I know it's lurking, hiding, waiting for me. I know it's the one thing that I would change about myself: I would heal the anxiety. Despite the lessons I've learned and growth that has come from it, it can be exhausting. I heal it a little bit everyday, but it's likely one of those things that will never 100% disappear. If I'm honest that bothers me, and I have to take a moment each day to make peace with that. Then there are days like the last few where I just can't make peace with it, playing the game and memories on repeat.
It will get better though, I do believe that. Faith and hope carry me through.
Wednesday, January 1, 2020
2019 Wrap Up
I know many people did their wrap ups before now, but I felt compelled to wait until the year and decade had fully concluded. You never know what magic may occur on New Year's Eve. Thus I sit here, late on January 1st of a new year and a new decade reflecting on all that was in 2019.
Oh 2019, there is so much that I could say about you. You were full of so many surprises, personal growth, magic and adventure. I could have never dreamed everything that has happened this year. From the discovery of backpacking to new connections, the consistent theme was the people that made these things possible.
To these individuals below, know you have a special place in my heart and life.
My parents: You have stepped in so much this year in so many ways; from babysitting grandkids and putting them on the bus 4 days a week to yard work and repairs you've made this life a little easier. I surely don't say it enough: Thank you.
J: Thanks for being my listening ears through all the ups and downs of the year. Constantly sending light and love, as well as guidance. You made the downs of this year tolerable and the ups that much more enjoyable.
B: My bud. I can't say enough for the little things for this year from making me laugh or smile on those down moments, giving me advice (even if I didn't always take it) and sending me music. We've had quite a year. I'm so glad we were finally able to make our in person visit, though I wish it had been under better circumstances.
P: From every good morning text to nights at the bar with laughter you're a special friend. Thanks for finally cashing in our bet.
My next door neighbors: You are such wonderful people. You tolerate my crew invading your space and invite them over yourselves. They're always welcome at your house and so many activities. Thank you for being you.
BR: Thanks for still being you and treating me like me. It's been a rough road at times and I know that I can always count on you to still treat me like me, regardless of position. I think it's time for another pizza and beer night.
NN: Thanks for all the brunches and being the sweet woman that you are.
A and L: It's nice to have a small group of women all going through challenges and have the support that you provide. I look forward to our next set of chats, and hopefully we can have one in person in the coming months.
Aloha J: Thanks for stepping up and being there for me when I needed it. Thank you for the laughs and brutal honesty too. It's time to get another weekend on the schedule.
Pop: While we didn't get in any runs this year (crazy right?!) thanks for reaching out and always being there. I know that I can always call you if I have an issue and that means a lot. Let's plan a run soon.
All of these people and more had a significant impact on my life in 2019. But, I'd be remiss if I didn't include the person below.
C: There's too much that I could write here, from the little things like making tacos and margaritas and airport pick-ups, to the big things like redesigning my stereo system and taking me backpacking, you were an important part of my life this past year. I don't know if you, or I, can truly understand the impact and influence you had. If it weren't for that first trek with you I would not be doing the things I am doing now and planning for future adventures. You have a knack of making me laugh and smile, even when I want to cry, and you have countless other gifts that you share with me. Thank you for the time, the adventures, the food, the laughter and everything else. As I said in the beginning, there's just too much I could writer, so I'll leave it at I'm looking forward to whatever adventure we can concoct next.
Oh 2019, there is so much that I could say about you. You were full of so many surprises, personal growth, magic and adventure. I could have never dreamed everything that has happened this year. From the discovery of backpacking to new connections, the consistent theme was the people that made these things possible.
To these individuals below, know you have a special place in my heart and life.
My parents: You have stepped in so much this year in so many ways; from babysitting grandkids and putting them on the bus 4 days a week to yard work and repairs you've made this life a little easier. I surely don't say it enough: Thank you.
J: Thanks for being my listening ears through all the ups and downs of the year. Constantly sending light and love, as well as guidance. You made the downs of this year tolerable and the ups that much more enjoyable.
B: My bud. I can't say enough for the little things for this year from making me laugh or smile on those down moments, giving me advice (even if I didn't always take it) and sending me music. We've had quite a year. I'm so glad we were finally able to make our in person visit, though I wish it had been under better circumstances.
P: From every good morning text to nights at the bar with laughter you're a special friend. Thanks for finally cashing in our bet.
My next door neighbors: You are such wonderful people. You tolerate my crew invading your space and invite them over yourselves. They're always welcome at your house and so many activities. Thank you for being you.
BR: Thanks for still being you and treating me like me. It's been a rough road at times and I know that I can always count on you to still treat me like me, regardless of position. I think it's time for another pizza and beer night.
NN: Thanks for all the brunches and being the sweet woman that you are.
A and L: It's nice to have a small group of women all going through challenges and have the support that you provide. I look forward to our next set of chats, and hopefully we can have one in person in the coming months.
Aloha J: Thanks for stepping up and being there for me when I needed it. Thank you for the laughs and brutal honesty too. It's time to get another weekend on the schedule.
Pop: While we didn't get in any runs this year (crazy right?!) thanks for reaching out and always being there. I know that I can always call you if I have an issue and that means a lot. Let's plan a run soon.
All of these people and more had a significant impact on my life in 2019. But, I'd be remiss if I didn't include the person below.
C: There's too much that I could write here, from the little things like making tacos and margaritas and airport pick-ups, to the big things like redesigning my stereo system and taking me backpacking, you were an important part of my life this past year. I don't know if you, or I, can truly understand the impact and influence you had. If it weren't for that first trek with you I would not be doing the things I am doing now and planning for future adventures. You have a knack of making me laugh and smile, even when I want to cry, and you have countless other gifts that you share with me. Thank you for the time, the adventures, the food, the laughter and everything else. As I said in the beginning, there's just too much I could writer, so I'll leave it at I'm looking forward to whatever adventure we can concoct next.
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| Sunrise on the Appalachian Trail Chimney Rock, Pennsylvania 1/1/20 |
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