A PhD Builder?

A little over 5 and a half years ago I interviewed at the amazing children's hospital where I now work. I was asked about my 5 year plan and I remember saying that in 5 years I would love to be doing a mix of clinical patient care and research, ideally 50/50 split. Pipe dream I knew, but it was worth throwing out there. Here I am 5 years down the road, and I've temporarily phased out of patient care to become an application analyst for our department.

It's a crazy thing. I've had a few people tell me I'm wasting my PhD. I mean why spend 5 years pursuing a crazy thing like that to not teach or do research. But let me tell you after 5 years I was burned out and out of my touch with my clinical side. Going back to clinical work was one of the best choices I ever made. And I used that PhD, let me tell you. I educated staff, I developed research proposals and though they never made it past IRB due to personal life impediments it was fulfilling. I presented at hospital, local and national conferences. I co-authored a book chapter. I am using so many skills from that PhD, despite what some may think.

But I was getting burned out. I'm sure it was combination of my personal life going through major upheavals, a running injury that sidelined me for months and impacted my ability to work and provide for my kids, but I was beyond exhausted this past winter. So, when the opportunity for a new position was posted I was intrigued. This would be out of my comfort zone, but it would allow me some flexibility that I desperately needed as a now single mom. My now manager encouraged me to apply. She has been an amazing advocate and mentor. So April 2 I began my transition from staff physical therapist to application analyst for our department.

So what exactly does this position do? Well. I'm supporting our staff (PT, OT, SLP and Audiology) in our new and improved electronic medical record documentation style and functioning as a liaison between us and the information services group. This is why I have been making trips to Madison, WI for training. I've attended 2 intense classes, completed 2 comprehensive projects and now successfully passed 2 exams to become a certified clinical builder. And, I've used my PhD skills every step of the way. I know how to study and what works for me. I know how to manage my time and my team members. Many of the other people I know that become analysts do not have outside responsibilities, but I've not been so lucky. I've had to complete all of my requirements, juggle bits of patient care, and manage a huge project with multiple moving parts. And along the way I've had to assert myself as I have unique role at my hospital and there are some who don't quite know what to do with me.

Yeah, those lessons and skills learned from my PhD have come in pretty hand these past few months. So put your hands together and help me celebrate my new official certification as a Epic Clinical Builder.

Humbling Honesty

I think that everyone needs to have at least 1 friend who is willing to be brutally honest with you. I am lucky enough to have 2 of those. While it can be an intense friendship, you know that they aren't going to tolerate your BS and they'll call you on things. I find it a rare occurrence these days to find someone willing to be that honest with you. It takes a lot of courage on their part, even if it's part of their nature.

I bring this up because today 1 of my friends took a hard stance with me about a choice I made. I don't want to go into specifics but my friend pointed out 2 very important things to me. One, that the action I took was not fair to them, and two, that I was using my anxiety as an excuse. I will tell you that my immediate gut reaction was to be defensive. Here I was feeling crappy and this friend of mine was not being the supportive person I knew. But I took a deep breath and read the lines again, and again until I could get through my knee jerk defensiveness and listen.

My friend was 100% correct.
My action and choice was not fair to them AND I did use my anxiety as an excuse, even if it wasn't intentional. I was humbled. I was sad knowing that I had upset them. I took advantage of a precious friendship and used an excuse, rather than be honest. I needed my friend this morning and I wasn't honest with them about that, but they responded with honesty. I am still humbled by them.

I could be angry, I could be upset, I could be a million different things, but I'm choosing to use this as a lesson in humility and how to approach this situation in the future. As was pointed out to me it's how we think, view and react in the situations that define us. I can chose to have anxiety define me, or I can chose to live my life and have something else define me.  I'm choosing to not allow anxiety to define me. I am me. I am not anxiety. I am an extremely grateful, thankful and humbled friend tonight.

Advice and affection

My friends can I give you some well meaning advice, since so many of you feel the need to give it to me......

Please stop telling me to go enjoy myself or do something fun on the nights and weekends I don't have my kids. I get it, and in fact I remember those days and looking at the single parents thinking it looks amazing that you get an entire weekend to do what YOU want. What you don't see is the crushing loneliness and emptiness and quietness of your home. You don't hear how much more silent your home is at night when they're not home sleeping in the rooms around you. You tell me to go have fun and enjoy myself, but then I come home to an empty lonely house. You, my friends with your partner would come home with someone and have someone to enjoy your time with- I do not. Ten months later and it still stings.

Personally, I am still learning to balance my nights and weekends that are kid free. It's a delicate process of making sure I have personal relaxation time, get my chores done and be able to sleep without anxiety and loneliness. So please, it's not a vacation for me, but a fact of my life and inherent reminder that I am no longer part of a 2 parent household that is filled with continuous crazy weekends.  Some weekends and nights it is easier than others, and it is always easier when I know that there is someone that I can talk to (or message with) so I don't feel so lonely. The first few months were the worst on the weekends. I filled them with so many chores and work that by Sunday evening I was beat and all I wanted to do was crash. Over 10 months into this routine and I am slowly learning to manage things. A few weekends ago I had a great balance of a personal day and a chore day, and I was lucky enough to have a friend pretty much on speed text when I needed to connect with someone, but that balance doesn't happen often enough.

This brings me to my next piece of advice: affection. Hug your single parent friends (assuming they're the hugging type). Seriously. I love my children to pieces and I cherish my hugs and affection from them. But there is a significant lack of physical affection in our lives now as single parents, and for some of us this is our love language. For me personally it's my 2nd major love language (if you're confused go take this quiz). It's like living in a desert sometimes, no one hugs or touches in this society and you feel like at outcast at times. Not only are you not receiving any physical affection, but at times you are surrounded by it. It's everywhere, in the books you read, shows you watch, even a trip to the restaurant or the mall. When you don't have it, it can seem like it's everywhere. So, take a risk, you don't know what a little hug might do to brighten your friend's day. I'll always take a hug, but be forewarned you may make me teary.