It's About the Kids

Before I start this post I want to make it clear that this is NOT about my ex, so please don't think that this was inspired by any of his actions.

As I share my journey of my divorce and learning to single parent and co/split parent I find myself connecting with more and more parents who are learning how to parent in multiple households. I will say that for the most part many of us are doing the best we can and managing to put aside our differences and do what's best for the kids. It's called being an adult. I can't tell you the number of times I have sat through sporting events and banquets for my kids in the past year with my ex. Was it the most enjoyable of times? No. Did I do it for my kids? Yes. Did I sometimes go home and cry and be miserable? Yes. Did I let my kids know how much it upset me? No. I was an adult about it. In fact my ex and I managed this past year to astound a few people in our gymnastics community that we were divorcing since we attended so many meets together and sat together.

But, it astounds me the number of parents who cannot be adults in these situations. I hear stories of mothers and fathers acting out like a 3 year old having a tantrum. They refuse simple things like a shift in a schedule to accommodate a reasonable request. In the stories that I hear from other parents many of these shifts would allow the other parent more time with your children. I can't fathom not wanting more time with my kids. I have a large portion of time with my kids and it never feels like enough, so if I run into a situation where I get offered more time I typically jump on it. It's a very rare occasion that I would be refusing this bonus time. And really? What are your children going to think when/if they find out? You're choosing something else over them, and that's going to hurt. The reality is that you're not punishing your ex by refusing to be helpful; you're hurting your children.

Their world has already changed enough with the splitting of their household, so the least that you can do is try to make sure that your children know how much you love and value them. They learn and understand through your actions and inactions. Step up and act like an adult and a parent. A parent's role is to be present for their children, and not just when it's convenient for you.

I am certainly not advocating for you to not pursue your own happiness, dreams and desires. And I am not saying that you don't deserve to be happy. What I am asking is that you consider the impact each of your actions has on your children, from major life changes to little things like birthday parties and homework. I am asking you to consider the physical and mental health of your children in your actions and remember that your children are not tools to be used against your ex.