Single Mom Days

When my kiddos were little and I was married and going through grad school I used to get all the time: How do you do it? How do you raise your kids, go to school and keep your marriage going? The answer was you just did. I worked hard at it all, but it was exhausting. Life is exhausting at times. Today was one of those days. Single parenting and working is one of the most challenging things that I have ever done. It's the same answer as from my early years though, I work hard at it and sometimes you just have to do things regardless of how tired you are, because if you don't do them- no one will. There is no tag out, no one else to grab your slack. So sometimes it means setting a 10 minute timer to get something done and learning to be ok with the fact that the job isn't complete in 10 minutes, but you at least did part of it.

You're probably wondering where this is all started, so let me tell you a story about my day.

It was a snow day here, and I am currently blessed to have a job and a manager that allows me to work from home as needed. I let her know that I needed to work from home today and that was that. Except it wasn't. I had meetings scheduled straight through from 10am to 2pm that I needed to attend, so I said a few prayers that my kiddos would behave. I was hoping that I could manage to hole myself in my room and get through my meetings and outstanding work that needed to be done. In a perfect world, I would have just taken the snow day and had one of those fun days of movies, cookies, naps and board games. The hard truth is that I was off at the end of last week and I had things that needed to be addressed today for work. A little mommy guilt about that, but it's ok.

The start of our day wasn't too bad. I told the kids to get themselves breakfast and do their chores. A quick check-in at 9:50 to stress they needed to get dressed and do their chores and tell them I would be in meetings for hours and would find time to make them lunch about 1pm. I set-up shop in my bedroom corner facing the door, so that the video conference could be salvaged if a child came in to do a naked booty dance (it's been known to happen!). My youngest brought me a bagel because she thought I might be hungry. Super sweet! In direct contrast to her though, I had to step out of the conference to deal with some sort of screaming chaos with my boys, though I'm still unclear what exactly was the issue.

From that point onward we spiraled down, child #3 insisted on instigating things with everyone. Thankfully, my last meeting cancelled because I was having extreme technical difficulty with my remote connection to work. There were so many moments of me stopping what I was doing to go break up a fight, offer consolation and give directions (again!). I was exhausted from trying to juggle work brain and mom brain. No one was getting the best of me, but I was showing up and doing my best in the moment. As my children spiraled and my brain became more frazzled that was of course when the new nanny arrived for her training. There's not much worse than trying to keep your cool when your really frazzled, your kids are pushing buttons, and you have an intent audience.....

I survived my day with them, shipping one off to gymnastics, going off to coach my own gymnastics classes, and their dad coming to get them for his dinner night. I can say that when my second job wound down for the evening I was spent. Here's the thing though, that's when my night kicks off. I had to eat dinner, make snacks and lunches for the next day, get a load of laundry done, pay bills, etc. All of those "adult" tasks that I cannot pawn off on my kids and given that there's not another adult here it falls to me. I don't mind most of the time. Tonight I didn't mind either, I was just frazzled still and in need of companionship. There are moments like tonight where I didn't mind the 8 million little tasks that I needed to accomplish for the night, but I would have liked to have a human connection. I wasn't exactly lonely, just craving companionship. It'd be great to finish a crazy day like this and be able to share it with someone, to go to bed and just be held until the stress leaves your body. I can't dwell on what I don't have at the moment. All I can do is focus on my blessings and be grateful for the strength I was blessed with to get through my day. I can pray for a peaceful day tomorrow for myself and my children. And that's exactly what I am doing.

Connections, Goals and Dreams

Connections are an interesting thing. You can develop them instantly or they can grow over a period of time. Regardless of how the speed of their development, the important connections have a significant impact on your life. Last summer I made a quick, but deep connection with a man who was a random stranger and is now a lifelong friend. If you've read my blog since the summer you've read some stories about him and how he's helped me on my healing journey.

At the end of 2018 I made another connection with someone who is waking up parts of me that I didn't realize were sleeping. I used to be a goal chaser and a big dreamer. You don't get a PhD and have 4 kids along the way without having big dreams and being a goal chaser. But the truth is after that HUGE accomplishment I didn't know what else to do. I had chased my goals and dreams and achieved them: I had my "perfect" family (2 of each and a husband), I earned that PhD and was finally feeling respected in my little setting. Where do you go from there? Well, real life hit and I had to get a job. I loved that job as a pediatric therapist. And that position led me to my current one. Sure, it wasn't the original one in my 5 year plan, but lets be clear that the 5 year plan never involved getting a divorce and facing the facts that my "perfect" family was a facade.

So here I am 5 years later at the same employer with a new book in hand, creating new chapters, soon to be closing out my old book. Many of these chapters are being created because of connections; from my one in Madison, to an old friend from TX, to my running buddy and to a new one here. Each of these connections is drawing out different parts of me, but this new connection, this one? This one has reminded me of those huge integral parts of me, the goals and dreams that I used to chase, as well as little things. Little things like how much I actually enjoy cooking and creating in the kitchen, how much I enjoy talking about the complexities of food, how much I enjoy being out in nature and finding time to honor those things. It's interesting how each of my connections helps me re-awaken, but this one is different. I can't pinpoint it exactly, but my other connections have helped me on different levels of healing. This one isn't about healing, it's about rediscovery amongst other things.

It's helping me to look in the mirror and find out what my new goals and dreams are. Isn't it fascinating that my line is about chasing dreams, and I haven't really been doing that the past 4 years or so. So now, with the unintended help of my new connection I am taking the time to really dream. What are those outlandish things that I want to do? How am I going to get them done? Just because I have 4 kids and am a single mom doesn't meant I can't conquer big things and chase big adventures. It just may look different than yours, and that's ok. This connection is helping me find more magic in my life. I know that won't make sense to many of you, but to a few of you, you know exactly what I mean. So stay tuned for adventures, magic, goals and dreams.

2018 Wrap Up

Now that 2018 is coming to a close I have taken some time to reflect on the journey of this year. This has been a roller coaster of a year. I started this year hobbling in on one foot with a boot on the other, and I'm now finishing the year on my own two feet stronger, healthier and happier than where I started. New Year's Day last year was my first day of physical therapy and today I finished a 30 minute plyometric, interval workout. I ran 2 races this year and logged a lot of odd runs. I gained the best running buddy on the planet.

I changed jobs. I worked for 5 years as a pediatric PT at our amazing children's hospital, but when the opportunity to take a position that would allow me to have more flexibility came about, I went for it. This job has been life changing. The biggest thing that I learned from that boot, was that I needed to have more flexibility in my schedule and a full-time patient care based position just does not feasibly allow for that. I miss my patients and families and I miss the magic that comes with being a therapist, but I know that in 2019 I will regain some of my patient care time. But, I have been blessed to have this new position that allows me to work from home when life happens. And it challenges me in new ways that my other position was not doing. Cheers to unexpected life changes.

I took a tremendous amount of time caring for myself this year. My therapist challenged and pushed me to work through some difficult memories and painful emotions. She could have let me just come to therapy and vent about the incessant chaos and turmoil that has been 2018, but she pushed me and I grew. I learned how to manage my anxiety and not to use it as a crutch. I know some of my triggers and have learned how to be in tune with myself so I can identify what is truly an emotion and what is anxiety manifesting as an emotion. This was a life changing moment, so now I know when that random afternoon sadness hits like a truck it's my anxiety and hunger- I'm not really sad.

I learned to value myself and my time more than ever. In doing this I have become a better mother. This past month especially I have been able to focus on my kids and enjoying the magic of the Christmas season, despite the chaos. Even on our most chaotic weekend we had magic. I'm not saying we didn't have rough patches, but in my own growth I am becoming the mother that I want to be, and the one that my children deserve.

I have learned how to ask for help and accept it without feeling guilty (most of the time...) I have learned how to share my stories and listen better to other people's stories. While I feel at times that my circle has shrunk, I know that the people within my circle support and love me. With that knowledge I am being more discriminating about my circle. If you aren't going to love me and support me, then I don't need you in my life. With that I have made some great new friends; ones that make me laugh, that call me on my BS and support me in my chaos.

2018 was a year of painful growth and development, but it had a multitude of high moments. I have cried and screamed, felt like giving up, torn my hair and despite it all I am still standing. Not only am I standing, but I am taller and a more authentic me than I have been in a long time. I will go into 2019 continuing to be genuinely me.