Can you adjust my cape?

Can you adjust my cape? I think it's gotten tangled; maybe you could just help me get this thing off. Sometimes even superheroes get tired of wearing capes.

Yes, yes we do. I've been compared a lot in my motherhood to a superhero. And yes, there are days and moments that Moms have special hero powers, but most of us are average humans, just doing our best to raise non-entitled, well functioning humans who will be productive members of society.

But here's the reality- even superheroes get tired of their capes. It's a lot of expectation to live up to, and in fact it can be crushing. I think it may be even more so for single parents. We get placed on this unintentional pedestal by well meaning people. "Oh I don't know how you do it!" "I could never be a single parent" "You are so strong" While your well meaning words may be be meant to uplift us, they can create undue burden. We're doing what we have to do to raise our children, just like you do. We're just doing it solo or split.

Parenthood is and can be crushing, regardless if you're a mom, dad, married, divorced, separated, single or have a partner. There are moments of great joy, tempered with lots of exhausting repetitive moments. I won't say I don't love being a mother, because I do. I cherish my kids and my role in their life. But I'm exhausted.

Between managing their schedules, extra shifts at my primary job, working more at my second job and picking up shifts with my third (yes you read that right) this PhD mama is beat. Oh, and did I mention I've got a half marathon right before Thanksgiving. So this mama is tired.

I don't want a cape or gold stars or applause for doing what's best for my kids. I want your help. I want you to help me get my kids to their activities. I want you to bring me a casserole so it's one less meal I need to stress about to feed these silly monsters. But if I'm honest, what I really want is a partner to share the burden and the highs and the lows. I'm tired of wearing my cape. I'd like to pass it off to someone else. Reality is that's not happening, so I just need you to adjust my cape so it flutters nicely. 

Running Friendship

Today an interesting thing happened. I went on a long run (12 miles) with an amazing friend of mine. This gentleman has been a support system for me the past 5 months especially, but we've been friends for about 5 years. He listens to my venting, whining and crying. He calls or texts to check up on me periodically. He's just a stand up guy. And before anyone gets any ideas, let me be clear that his amazing man is happily married and old enough to be my father. In addition to that he goes running with me. We can run and talk and laugh, or we can run in comfortable silence. He's an ideal running partner for me and we work well together on our runs.

But back to my run..... we hit 11.5 miles and I was struck with something. It wasn't truly physical, but suddenly my world was crashing. I couldn't breathe; I was near to a full on breakdown; I was a mess.

One step, two steps, suddenly can't run
Hands around my mouth trying to breathe, chest heaving, trying to find my center, feeling like the center will not hold. my world is crashing
A simple touch and my world stabilizes momentarily, but I'm still lost.
A few more steps, another touch and I can almost breathe
Walking, breathing, comforting words and the world comes into focus

I can't say what triggered it or exactly what happened, but without him there I would have been a puddle on the ground. Those few simple human touches and comforting words stabilized my spinning, chaotic world. I've had emotional break downs on runs before. One run in June I got a mile in and then cried for the remaining 3 miles of my 4 mile run. Full on tears pouring down my face. The world was too much at the time and the run set it free. During marathon training I've hit a wall and started crying for no reason after 16 miles or 18 miles. Let me tell you there's nothing weirder than running around your neighborhood with tears pouring down your face while you chug along at your snail pace after running for hours at that point.

But this time was different. I've never had the intense physical reaction that I had. I do know that moments before it happened I was certainly feeling off, but it was like being hit with a train. Out of nowhere I couldn't function. I wanted to curl up in a ball forever, and yet I couldn't shed a single tear. My friend was calm and collected and a safe space for me. The physical touch was the first thing that helped me stabilize. Those of us neurotypical individuals are hardwired to respond to touch, and I'm low these days on positive touches that aren't from my kids. Then his words and calmness and the understanding that we could just stop. No judgement, no anger, nothing but calm and concern.

I can't express what it meant to me in the moment, and what it means to me now that I had him there. I don't honestly know what would have happened had I been alone. I'm sure I would have walked the remainder back to my car, but I would have been a full blown anxiety mess. As it was when I got home and heard a song on the radio the tears finally freed themselves. Today I wasn't gifted with a runner's high from that run, but I was blessed with the friendship of this man.

It's not always loneliness

Today I had the privilege of bringing my kiddos to a fun fall festival at a quaint town not too far from us. This isn't something necessarily out of the ordinary for us. They're used to adventures with me and in the summer it's known as #mondayswithmom. We had on coordinating shirts and had a great time doing crafts, taking a little hayride and walking the streets.

I can say that previously I have done these things and had jealousy issues and left them feeling crushed and lonely. It would hurt to see these "intact" families and know that it's just me and my crew. You wonder if it's bothering them too, especially when they don't say anything. It's a hope and pray that they're doing ok and just keep on trucking because there is nothing else you can do.

Today was different. It was the first time I've been to one of these events and not had massive feelings of jealousy or loneliness. I was content; I was happy; my kids were happy. This isn't to say there weren't moments of other feelings. There was a time waiting in line listening to two moms chatter behind me about not being able to take their two kids to this event because it would have been "too much" without another adult. I get it. I've been there, but I would have been stuck home my entire mom-life if it was "too much." I was the mom wearing a baby on my back and one on my front at times, or wearing one and pushing 3 in a double stroller. I'm not being judgmental about these moms, but I wanted to turn around and say I'm here with 4, alone! You can do it! It might be scary, but it can be done!

Despite these moms and being surrounded by intact families there were a few moments of just wishing that I had someone to share the experience with besides my kids. It really wasn't loneliness, just a desire for companionship. I'm at the point in my healing process to start to recognize the differences between the two. It's a good distinction. I can say that a few months ago I didn't think it would ever be possible. Thankfully, with a push from a friend or 2, my therapist and a lot of my own grit and determination I've grown a lot over the past 4 months.

It's not to say I don't get lonely. I certainly do, but it was nice to understand and be aware of the difference today. Especially after an event that would often trigger something. To me it's all part of the healing and growth process. I'll keep saying it until it sinks in- divorce is a grieving process. Those of you on the outside will never fully understand it unless you have lived it. Though we are grieving, we should also be growing. I like to think that at this point I am doing more growing than grieving. I think that today was a good reflection of that.

It's a good thing to be able to see that my family is whole and happy and "intact" in my eyes. I may not match what you think of when you think of a "intact family," but it's my views that matter more. My kids and I are happy, and I can't ask for more most days. I may have a wish and desire for companionship and a partnership in the future, but for now I am content to be me.