So we went to an interesting talk last evening hosted by our preschool. It a was professor from the local university speaking about marriage, the good, the bad, the ugly of it all and conflict. It was a really great lecture. Taught me stuff I didn't know and demystified some myths about marriage and conflict. The overall concept was that conflict is a part of marraige.
One of the major things that I took away from that lecture was that physiologically we can become attuned and primed for conflict. If you are always in conflict your body will think that this is the norm, hence it makes it difficult for you to be in a calm state. The lecture focused on marriage and conflict, but this physiological aspect made me reflect on my personal parenting issues (see previous posts) and started me thinking that I have primed myself into conflict (ie my temper) with my kids. I have become so accustomed to the yelling that my BODY (not just my brain) thinks it's the norm. THAT my friends was a wake-up call. So today I started the journey, again, to maintain my temper better with my children. It's a struggle, a BIG one for me. And now I somewhat understand why- I'm not only fighting my own emotions, but a physical reaction (see increased heart-rate, blood pressure, adrenaline pumping).That adrenaline rush is a great feeling, so to have to restrain yourself from it makes it all the more difficult.
The other focus from the lecture was positivity and your partner. If we could spend 5 minutes a day personally reflecting on the positive aspects of our partner then we would build physical (ie neurological) pathways that would eventually overtake the traditional negative pathways that our brain likes to take. Our brain is generally wired to immediately fall along the negative path when things get stressful, but by positive daily reflection you are literally changing the way your brain processes information. When the conflict arises in your marriage your "new brain" will have an easier time staying positive or at the very least not harping on the negative.
So my reflection for the day about my hubby- he is a dedicated father, hardworking at his job and at home and he loves me for who I am (neurotic as I may be).
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Mother-in-laws
So following the previous post about my not being a supermom I wanted to chat for a minute about my mother-in-law. My hubby's mother is a wonderful woman with a great heart and soul. She was technically a single mom, but really raised my hubby and his adopted brother with support of her sisters, brothers and wonderful family. It's a bit complicated to explain, and I won't go into it here and now but it's a neat story.
So I wanted to say that my mother-in-law who came up last week (or maybe the week before, I really can't remember which!) had the unfortunate experience to witness me at some of my worst mommy moments. From the screaming in the morning (and afternoon) to the exhaustion in the evening my mother-in-law never said one word to me about my behavior. And that my friends is the mark of an amazing woman. It's one thing to see a mom in the store or spend a day with her and watch her for a few moments at her worst with her children, but to spend 4 days living in someone's house and witness all that she did and still remain calm and quiet it's remarkable. So my dear mother-in-law, THANK YOU!
Thank you for understanding that we were at our limits and not treating me (or my hubby) like children and chastising our behavior.
Thank you for listening when we just felt the need to complain.
Thank you for being there with hugs for the grandkids.
Thank you for watching them while our sitter was busy.
Thank you for taking baby B in the middle of the night when hubby and I were at our whits ends.
Thank you for taking us out to dinner and saving us the chaos of making dinner.
Thank you for your silence and your love.
THANK YOU. Thank you. thank you.........
So I wanted to say that my mother-in-law who came up last week (or maybe the week before, I really can't remember which!) had the unfortunate experience to witness me at some of my worst mommy moments. From the screaming in the morning (and afternoon) to the exhaustion in the evening my mother-in-law never said one word to me about my behavior. And that my friends is the mark of an amazing woman. It's one thing to see a mom in the store or spend a day with her and watch her for a few moments at her worst with her children, but to spend 4 days living in someone's house and witness all that she did and still remain calm and quiet it's remarkable. So my dear mother-in-law, THANK YOU!
Thank you for understanding that we were at our limits and not treating me (or my hubby) like children and chastising our behavior.
Thank you for listening when we just felt the need to complain.
Thank you for being there with hugs for the grandkids.
Thank you for watching them while our sitter was busy.
Thank you for taking baby B in the middle of the night when hubby and I were at our whits ends.
Thank you for taking us out to dinner and saving us the chaos of making dinner.
Thank you for your silence and your love.
THANK YOU. Thank you. thank you.........
SuperMom or not........
So following a FB discussion with a friend of mine about "supermoms" I decided to blog about how I am only human like the rest of us. We all have our moments and the general consensus is that most blogs we read about moms appear to be supermoms who never lose their temper, scream at their kids, etc. Well let me tell you I AM NO SUPERMOM.
I have a horrible temper! Anyone who knows me can attest to this, especially these past few months with little sleep from Miss B, our entire family has had a very short fuse. I hate when I lose my temper with my kids because they are being, well kids! The reality is that some mornings we can't be awake for more than 10 minutes before the yelling begins. It's awful! So again, to all of you out there wondering how we do it, I am not always cool, calm and collected. I can and do lose my temper and yell, and I will admit that my children have been known to flinch from my yelling. Personally I don't like the yelling and I know that it is not effective, but when you are as stressed as we have been for the last 6+ months it just happens. I know that is a crappy excuse, but it is what it is. I am trying to change my ways, but it is so easy to slip back into horrid habits (and horrid is the best way I can describe it!)
I love the concept of peaceful parenting, but honestly sometimes it just doesn't work when you have four little ones. I feel like so many of the parenting books these days are geared towards those with 1 or 2 kids or more kids that are further spaced apart. I have yet to find a resource for a mama with four kids 4 and under who is neither a stay-at-home mama nor a working mama (which is another blog for another day). So, supermom I am not when it comes to parenting and disciplining my kids.
Let me give you an idea of how most mornings go at our home:
It will get better I know, but for now we keep trying to make our mornings, our lives filled with less yelling. So you remember when you're reading those supermom blogs, we are all human and I bet each and everyone of those supermoms has yelled and lost their temper with their kids. I know I do, and I'm not a supermom.
I have a horrible temper! Anyone who knows me can attest to this, especially these past few months with little sleep from Miss B, our entire family has had a very short fuse. I hate when I lose my temper with my kids because they are being, well kids! The reality is that some mornings we can't be awake for more than 10 minutes before the yelling begins. It's awful! So again, to all of you out there wondering how we do it, I am not always cool, calm and collected. I can and do lose my temper and yell, and I will admit that my children have been known to flinch from my yelling. Personally I don't like the yelling and I know that it is not effective, but when you are as stressed as we have been for the last 6+ months it just happens. I know that is a crappy excuse, but it is what it is. I am trying to change my ways, but it is so easy to slip back into horrid habits (and horrid is the best way I can describe it!)
I love the concept of peaceful parenting, but honestly sometimes it just doesn't work when you have four little ones. I feel like so many of the parenting books these days are geared towards those with 1 or 2 kids or more kids that are further spaced apart. I have yet to find a resource for a mama with four kids 4 and under who is neither a stay-at-home mama nor a working mama (which is another blog for another day). So, supermom I am not when it comes to parenting and disciplining my kids.
Let me give you an idea of how most mornings go at our home:
- boys wake up in their room and talk for a few minutes, which quickly progresses to DJ screaming NO! repeatedly and Al crying.
- Hubby or I go in and say lets get up, get dressed and calm our bodies and voices down
- DJ yells NO! (don't you love the two's?!)
- Parent leaves the room to get dressed, check on the girls, etc.
- Yelling and crying continues in boys' room
- Parent yells out to boys get dressed, get moving, etc.
- Yelling and cyring continues
- S is in the hallway talking to the boys over the gate not getting herself ready.
- Parent asks her (again- likely the 3rd or 4th time) to leave them alone and focus on herself.....
- Myself or hubby loses temper and begins yelling (really loudly) to get up, get dressed, go potty, make beds. Doors, drawers, etc. get slammed in the process.
It will get better I know, but for now we keep trying to make our mornings, our lives filled with less yelling. So you remember when you're reading those supermom blogs, we are all human and I bet each and everyone of those supermoms has yelled and lost their temper with their kids. I know I do, and I'm not a supermom.
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