These last few weeks have been a challenge for everyone, amongst the uncertainty and chaos of COVID-19 comes so many unforeseen challenges. I am watching my friends and coworkers wrestle with complex decisions about employment, safety, budgets, and childcare. On social media I see my friends and family posting about being home and enjoying time with their immediate family, completing projects and doing their best to embrace these different times in which we are currently living. I hear personally from friends and family of the joy, pain, fear, anxiety and love that they are experiencing. We will all remember this time period in our lives.
Me? I love seeing the projects, love and time that people are now enjoying, for the most part, with their families. With all of this comes the acknowledgment that I do not get to participate in most of these memory making moments with my own kids. I have the ability to work from home and my work days are long days of plugging in at 7:30am and finishing at 5 or 6pm, with only a few short breaks. I run down the stairs to break up a fight, redirect activities off of screens, make sure chores are being done, assess the board of activities and direct children to activities they have not completed for the day and when the fighting and picking at each other peaks I send them all outside with the strict instructions not to leave the yard, nor play with kids next door. I feel this intense pressure to complete my work, because if I am not completing projects then my coworkers who do not have the ability to work 100% from home do not have as much work that they can complete. What does this mean? This means that for them to get paid they have to use their PTO and the reality is that not everyone has enough PTO to keep those checks coming at the amount they need. So, I feel this internal pressure to get my work done so I know that my coworkers have an opportunity to be paid for a longer time period.
My kids are fine, truly. They are enjoying the freedom that these past 2 weeks have entailed. I have given them a set of daily expectations: 30 min reading, 20 min writing, 30 min arts/crafts, 30 min exercises, 20 min instrument practice, daily chores and each week has an included a "mom" assignment. Last week it was to give a research presentation on any topic they wanted; they presented on dreams, Hindu and Buddhist religions giant pandas, and cheetahs. It was fantastic! This week their assignment is to research our summer vacation: Acadia National Park. All of that being said, it's a lot to manage these busy kids, keep working and not be able to get out and decompress. Prior to the shelter in place order we were able to get in a great hike (for which I received some social shaming- just don't do that ok!), but now that we are sheltering in place hikes are out of the question. My hikes are a key part of mental health and I had been looking forward to getting out this weekend. So it's just me that is truly struggling.
When you're a single parent working from home there is little space to decompress and it is only now that I have come to realization how much I used that 20 min commute drive home to transition. The 30 sec run down the stairs does not allow for that transition. As this period continues I will have to change my habits and expectations for everyone, including myself. But, y'all it's challenging. I WANT to spend some of this time making fun memories with my kids AND get my work done. The struggle and juggle game is a real part of my life, and I don't honestly anticipate that it will be any easier. There is no one here to offload those responsibilities. My parents would gladly come help, but in everyone's interest and to comply with CDC guidelines we can't do that. So for now, it's me and those few days that they can go to their dad's.
What I'm trying to say is that it is a challenging time for everyone right now. I know those parents at home posting about the fun projects and memory making are not sharing their moments of tearing out their hair and pure frustrations, or the stress and worry they feel. I know other working from home parents juggling split shifts of child care and working. Then there are my working friends, from the nurses, therapists, doctors, dentists, social workers, delivery people, grocery store employees and others that are "essential"- the load they carry being potentially exposed everyday and coming home to risk exposing their own family, what must they be experiencing. In these challenging times I just ask that you be kind and lead with love.
Saturday, March 28, 2020
Tuesday, March 17, 2020
Choices
I was listening to Rascal Flatt's My Wish the other day and passed it along to a friend, thinking that they would see themselves in the song. What I didn't expect was their response "I wasn't raised that way." I knew that history, but I didn't send the song for that reason, I sent it because they are persevering despite that. In fact, it's a similar conversation I have had many times over the past few years. People living their lives in contrast to how they were raised, moving beyond the trauma.
I am not a trauma expert, nor will I pretend to be one. I am not a psychologist, social worker or any type of mental health practitioner, I only have my own trauma and my own resiliency to pull from in the strength that it takes to overcome things. I did not have a traumatic childhood, though some would argue moving as much as I did would be, but for me it was normal! I can speak to the courage, strength and energy it takes to make the changes that need to be made to live the life that you want to live.
Each of my friends that have shared stories similar to the one mentioned have become amazing, incredible people. They made the choices they needed to make to become the people that they are. They are inspiring, adventurous, caring, and compassionate individuals. This is not about them overcoming the trauma or living their lives uniquely, it is about these individuals making a choice, a series of choices, to live their life in a manner that represents them, not their history. They inspire me to dream big dreams and chase impossible sounding goals, they remind me of the adventurous girl I once was and the one I am loving rediscovering and showcasing. I love the lyrics in that song
I am not a trauma expert, nor will I pretend to be one. I am not a psychologist, social worker or any type of mental health practitioner, I only have my own trauma and my own resiliency to pull from in the strength that it takes to overcome things. I did not have a traumatic childhood, though some would argue moving as much as I did would be, but for me it was normal! I can speak to the courage, strength and energy it takes to make the changes that need to be made to live the life that you want to live.
Each of my friends that have shared stories similar to the one mentioned have become amazing, incredible people. They made the choices they needed to make to become the people that they are. They are inspiring, adventurous, caring, and compassionate individuals. This is not about them overcoming the trauma or living their lives uniquely, it is about these individuals making a choice, a series of choices, to live their life in a manner that represents them, not their history. They inspire me to dream big dreams and chase impossible sounding goals, they remind me of the adventurous girl I once was and the one I am loving rediscovering and showcasing. I love the lyrics in that song
"And if you're faced with a choice and you have to chooseIt's a choice. Life is a choice. They may be difficult choices, and the road will take you down paths that you did not intend, and those that you do not want, but you can keep choosing anew. It's something that I have to remind myself of during these challenging times. I will leave you with my other favorite lyrics
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you"
"Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small"
Thursday, February 6, 2020
This is Anxiety
Anxiety spirals and spirals and spirals. Until you've lived it or maybe even witnessed it you can't imagine the destruction that it weaves throughout you.
It's every negative thought you've had on repeat, but when you know it's anxiety talking, it's taking the energy to tell yourself: "This is just anxiety. This is NOT me. This is NOT my truth."
It's playing the "coulda, shoulda, woulda game" on infinite repeat; trying to catch a small break and breath to shout, that it's in the past and reminding yourself that all you can do is forgive yourself.
It's hearing a song, seeing the happy pictures and anxiety taunts you that you don't have that, while you try to recall your abundant blessings.
Anxiety is shoving these crazy intense thoughts into a box while you try to function at your current activity, hoping and praying that it doesn't leak out. Waiting for the moment that it slips out and someone catches you in what feels like a lie.
It's feeling like a fraud when you know that just yesterday you were telling someone that you hadn't had a spiral in ages, and then having one come seemingly out of nowhere. It leaves you wondering what happened, what is wrong with you. And you tell yourself that there is nothing wrong with you, it's "just anxiety". But it doesn't seem like enough.
Anxiety tells you you're a bad person, unloveable, unwanted, abandoned, a mess, a failure and a thousand other things; that you'll never live up to those standards, even those standards that you set yourself. You take a breath and remind yourself that there are no standards, only the ones you set for yourself matter, but then anxiety cycles you back to the thought, which feels like fact, that you can't even reach those. On and on it spins into it's ever deepening spiral.
Anxiety tells you that you are nothing more than a label, that no one will ever see the real you. It tries to convince you that you are nothing more than that series of labels; that you have no substance. You shout into the void that it's lying, but the sound is swallowed within the depths. From there it produces every memory where no one saw you, they saw the label, the projection and you grow weary. Your shout, becomes quieter, eventually fading to a whisper as the fatigue grows and the anxiety spins faster and higher.
Your mental exhaustion is intense in the midst of a spiral. It truly is knowing that you're spiraling and not having the energy to fully stop it. Feeling futile as your known tips and tricks aren't working. Spiraling deeper as anxiety lies to you and says that you never had any way to manage it. That it will always be that way. It's feeling the seductive pull of the lies and the spiral as it eats away at your energy.
It's knowing that you should reach out to someone, anyone, and not having the energy, courage or vulnerability to complete the task. With that knowledge you cycle back to feeling weak, why can't you just fix this? You are the problem, but YOU are the solution. These are the lies and seduction of anxiety. Feeling guilty that you can't fix yourself and not wanting to drag anyone into the chaos of the spiral. It's wanting someone here just to wade through the mess of it all and knowing that there is no one here, because you can't, just can't, in the moment reach out. Anxiety adds to that knowledge the lie that no one cares anyway.
It's hiding behind the laptop and this post rather than reach out, because anxiety has sucked your energy and your courage. It's knowing that tomorrow there will be an emotional hangover, but duty and life calls, so you plug on. It's gathering the dregs of your strength and shreds of courage potentially left to do the simple task of crawling into your empty bed and not have another spiral, while you pray for a healing sleep.
This is anxiety.
It's every negative thought you've had on repeat, but when you know it's anxiety talking, it's taking the energy to tell yourself: "This is just anxiety. This is NOT me. This is NOT my truth."
It's playing the "coulda, shoulda, woulda game" on infinite repeat; trying to catch a small break and breath to shout, that it's in the past and reminding yourself that all you can do is forgive yourself.
It's hearing a song, seeing the happy pictures and anxiety taunts you that you don't have that, while you try to recall your abundant blessings.
Anxiety is shoving these crazy intense thoughts into a box while you try to function at your current activity, hoping and praying that it doesn't leak out. Waiting for the moment that it slips out and someone catches you in what feels like a lie.
It's feeling like a fraud when you know that just yesterday you were telling someone that you hadn't had a spiral in ages, and then having one come seemingly out of nowhere. It leaves you wondering what happened, what is wrong with you. And you tell yourself that there is nothing wrong with you, it's "just anxiety". But it doesn't seem like enough.
Anxiety tells you you're a bad person, unloveable, unwanted, abandoned, a mess, a failure and a thousand other things; that you'll never live up to those standards, even those standards that you set yourself. You take a breath and remind yourself that there are no standards, only the ones you set for yourself matter, but then anxiety cycles you back to the thought, which feels like fact, that you can't even reach those. On and on it spins into it's ever deepening spiral.
Anxiety tells you that you are nothing more than a label, that no one will ever see the real you. It tries to convince you that you are nothing more than that series of labels; that you have no substance. You shout into the void that it's lying, but the sound is swallowed within the depths. From there it produces every memory where no one saw you, they saw the label, the projection and you grow weary. Your shout, becomes quieter, eventually fading to a whisper as the fatigue grows and the anxiety spins faster and higher.
Your mental exhaustion is intense in the midst of a spiral. It truly is knowing that you're spiraling and not having the energy to fully stop it. Feeling futile as your known tips and tricks aren't working. Spiraling deeper as anxiety lies to you and says that you never had any way to manage it. That it will always be that way. It's feeling the seductive pull of the lies and the spiral as it eats away at your energy.
It's knowing that you should reach out to someone, anyone, and not having the energy, courage or vulnerability to complete the task. With that knowledge you cycle back to feeling weak, why can't you just fix this? You are the problem, but YOU are the solution. These are the lies and seduction of anxiety. Feeling guilty that you can't fix yourself and not wanting to drag anyone into the chaos of the spiral. It's wanting someone here just to wade through the mess of it all and knowing that there is no one here, because you can't, just can't, in the moment reach out. Anxiety adds to that knowledge the lie that no one cares anyway.
It's hiding behind the laptop and this post rather than reach out, because anxiety has sucked your energy and your courage. It's knowing that tomorrow there will be an emotional hangover, but duty and life calls, so you plug on. It's gathering the dregs of your strength and shreds of courage potentially left to do the simple task of crawling into your empty bed and not have another spiral, while you pray for a healing sleep.
This is anxiety.
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