Divorce Words

I've been working towards this post for months. Some of you reading this may have even been polled about it, but after innocent words said to me on Friday they were the catalyst I needed to write this post. Words matters my friends. I thought I had heard it all when I had my 4 kids so close in age (that's a post for another day), but divorce brings out an entirely new set of craziness. Seriously, it goes back to the basics:

1. If you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all.
2. Treat others how you want to be treated.

That being said here are the top 10 things said to me and my fellow divorcées that are hurtful, aggravating, rude or just nonsense.

1. This is your "new normal" so you just need to get used to it. Thanks! Like I wasn't aware this was my life. Truthfully, there are multiple stages of the "new normal" and some of them so incredibly painful that you don't want to imagine spending the rest of your days in that amount of pain. We don't need your outside opinion on our life.
2. You'll be better off without them. This one hurts and is just plain rude. It implies that you saw how unhappy I was and never said a thing; it implies that the other person is a "bad" person which may not be the case. It does nothing to acknowledge my pain and only makes me feel worse about things.
3. I never liked them anyway. Gee thanks! Because my divorce is about YOUR feelings and relationship with my ex.
4. You're such a catch! Someone will snatch you right up! You should have no trouble dating. There's so much buried in this that it makes me want to cry and scream. It brings up guilt and shame. If you're so much of a "catch" then why couldn't you make this marriage work. On top of that who says the person is ready to start dating. These things were said to me early on in the process when I was just trying to figure out how to manage my family and work, much less date.
5. Dating in middle age sucks! This one is in great contrast to the above, but still same things apply. And oh yeah, thanks for that positive encouragement, especially for someone who never really dated. Because let's be real: dating in high school is NOT like dating as a 30 something year old adult. Oh! And when is 30s middle age?
6. At least you got great kids out of your marriage. Yes, this is true, but it isn't the silver lining that you think it is. There's guilt and shame and worry about if you're making the proper choice, and the knowledge that their lives are changing in a dramatic way as well. 
7. Isn't it better to be together for your kids? This one is a hard no. There is actual psychological research disproving this myth. So, no it's not better for my kids to live in a house where their parents are together but unhappy. And yes, this is my response to anyone that says that to me.
8. Must be nice to have kid-free time. I can't get over this one. Yeah, sure I get kid-free time, but you too as a married person can get that as well: it's called a sitter. See my kid-free time is not free of consequences. It means I miss things, that I don't see them everyday or talk to them everyday, that I share holidays and birthdays. It means on the first day of school I don't get dinner with my kids to hear about that amazing first day because Tuesday nights are dinner with their dad; it means on Christmas Day I pack my kids up in the afternoon and send them to their dad so that he gets his deserved time with them. So you're welcome to be jealous of my kid-free time, but think about it before you say something that seems so innocent. 
9. Did you try counseling? Did you read this book? It worked for my friends. Maybe you needed to try harder- marriage is hard. I think that divorced individuals understand how difficult a marriage is. Most of us tried with everything we had. We read books, we went to counseling, we tried. We gave it our all. It wasn't like any single one of us woke up one day and just decided to get divorced like we decide what to have for dinner. We all understand that you're trying to be helpful, but it hurts and does nothing to validate the struggle that we endured and are enduring.
10. Are you sure? Divorces are for forever. As I said before most of us struggled to get to this point and it's difficult enough without you second guessing us. We carry enough guilt, you don't need to add to it.

There's enough emotional pain, shame, guilt and a host of other things that individuals going through a divorce have to deal with, so do all of us a favor and think before you speak. I'd rather hear: I'm sorry then any of these things. What I want is to know you're going to be there in the tough times and hold space for me; to tell me that yes it does suck right now and acknowledge my feelings. Sure, you can tell me it gets better in time, but you better acknowledge my current state and be willing to walk this path with me or your words are meaningless and hurtful. Everyone knows that things change with time, but you have to let us grieve and walk with us in our grief. 

Hiking

Magic. It's my word for the year. It's not about the top hat and illusions that may come to mind, but the wonderment, joy and amazing things that can happen. What comes to mind are a child's first steps; that moment when you have accomplished something otherwise unattainable- that magic. The magic that comes from dedication and determination, as well as the kind from the unexpected. This past Memorial Day weekend was filled with all kinds of magic.

Almost 3 weeks ago on a spur of the moment, completely impulsive decision, a friend and I opted to go backpacking Memorial Day weekend. Maybe that doesn't seem like a big deal to you, but I've never been backpacking in my life. It's actually something I have wanted to do since I was a young teen. So, it was a big deal to me that my friend who is a well experienced hiker would be willing to take out a complete novice. The two weeks leading up to the weekend were filled with a mildly controlled chaos as I learned snippets about gear, purchased gear and tried to figure out how not to make a complete fool of myself. Let me tell you I was terrified of making a fool of myself and that my friend would have a horrible time since I knew I would be slower. This is when the magic began; not only did my friend have ultimate patience for me but also was genuinely concerned about me having a good time and being safe. With both of us being worried about the other, but being able to be open about it, we were able to set the stage for the weekend.

The decision was made to spend 1-2 nights out on the trail depending on how I was doing. Saturday we set off and drove to what I now know as one of the toughest portions of the Appalachian Trail in the state of PA. I just knew at the time we headed out that I had agreed to a "hard" trail. My theory was if I could handle and enjoy the "hard" trail something more simple would still appeal to me on my next trip. You see, I was already sure that I was going to enjoy this adventure and want to do it again. That didn't stop the nerves from hitting as we donned our packs and set out. The terrain was steep and I had to think about every step and how to use my poles. As much as I was thinking, I was enjoying it, laughing at myself as I stubbed toes on rocks and tried not to go flying.

Sure, there were moments of personal frustration, fatigue and pain, but there were moments of wonderment looking out over the valleys and river. There were beautiful views, walks along the ridge-line under a blue sky and then under a canopy of fresh green trees. The quietness and peace that you find out in these places that speaks right into your soul.

Magic. I was filled with magic of my own making and supported by the kind generated from my friend. How can I describe the joy, peace, and happiness I experienced on my brief time out? I can't. The trail, my friend and I created a magical trio that I will carry with me always.

Mindset

You know those days, weeks, moments where you feel like the world is throwing everything at you? Where you are standing in the midst of a hurricane or facing a massive wave? I'm sure you know exactly to what I am referring, suffice it to say that since Monday last week life has been a hurricane. Let me give you the highlights:

• woke up last Monday to kid a who had vomited in his sleep overnight
• had to drag said child with me to pick up furniture that had to be picked up that day
• mowed the grass Monday with an apparently flat tire on my mower, so I trashed the yard AND shattered the cover to the sewer access line
• asked for help jacking up the mower and removing the tire and we were out in the rain and pitch black at 10pm trying to get the tire off
• a 5 minute fix of replacing the cover on the sewer access line turned into 20 minutes as I had to dig out more than expected
• tried to offload my old furniture via FB marketplace for FREE and had people repeatedly stand me up, thus I had new living room furniture delivered with half my old set still in place
• opened the shed Friday afternoon to learn that the roof is really leaking and needs to be replaced ASAP (guess what I'm doing this weekend)
• rain threatened for Saturday, the day we had an outdoor party scheduled to celebrate B's First Communion (thankfully it held off!)
• engine light came on in my van
• took the car for an oil change and to get looked at for the engine light and they asked me to take it to the dealer for that
• dealer charged me a crazy amount to tell me that the light was a malfunction because the software needed to be updated
• while my van was at the dealer they left a big scratch down the rear quarter panel and sliding door
• It's show time this week and next at the gymnastics center where I work my second job, so it's just more chaotic than usual. 
• I'm in negotiations with my lawyer about my divorce during this entire period

And I'm likely forgetting a few things, but yeah it's been chaotic. I can tell you that last year had this happened I would have been extremely whiny and complaining, ready to throw in the towel. It's not to say that I haven't had those moments these past 10 days, but I've been able to laugh and smile through most of it. It took me until late last night to realize that the reason I'm not crushed with all of this is the mindset shift I've undergone.

I could whine, complain and just live in the negativity that all of this chaos brings or I can embrace the chaos and shout back at it. By embracing the chaos I've created a positive energy to counteract the negative spiral that threatened. And that my friends is HUGE progress. Who remembers my post from just last summer where I wrote about the anxiety spiral? This hurricane of the past 10 days could have easily pulled me into an anxiety spiral, but I haven't had more than 1 instance where it even attempted to drag me down. It amazes me how much my mindset and attitude have shifted.

Shifting my mindset and attitude has been no easy task, but at this point I am reaping the rewards. I have so many blessings and people to be grateful and thankful for that I can be overwhelmed. To all of you that have touched my life in the past year I thank you.